Badly thought out way to get the bad thoughts out.

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

PWNING BORING PORN TING

"You call that 'hardcore pornography'? More like 'hardcore YAWNography'!" Here's some ideas I've had in between mental and physical seizures.

1. Lets have some original nationalities - I'm sick to the suspiciously tightly meshed hairs on my stomach of Americans, Germans, Frenchies and half-dead Eastern Europeans! I want to see how Inuits deal with a double-ended dildo. N.B. If they use it to paddle their canoes around this would also be of interest, though not necessarily of the sexually arousing sort.

2. More educational tattoos - Why is it that every time I'm staring at the sweat-projecting back end of a grunting man as he rams his Viagra-numbed loin-chip up a hairless pelvic-vomit I am forced to read some of the most intellectually banal prose this side of a World of Sofas catalogue? Would it kill these boys to get something worth reading inked onto their shoulder blades? How about a passage from Divina Commedia, or an in depth article about the Russian invasion of Georgia, and its implications for international relations in a post 9-11 world? "Bad motherfucker'' will NOT DO. You might as well have a picture of a herpes sore with an arrow through it, with the words ''I'm desperate for money'' etched beneath it.
Also, how many bows and stars do we really need to see adorning the crown of a ruptured cum-dripping anus? It just looks tacky. I suggest something more along these lines:

There - isn't that better?

3. I'd like to see more flair in terms of camework and direction - at the moment the medium is crushingly uninventive. Sure, we have POV porn, but its always from the POV of the party who is receiving oral and giving penetrative sex. By simply taping a cow's tongue to the lens of a camera, the effect of performing cunnulingus on a 28 year old cheerleader with a triple-pierced clitoris and genital warts could be brought right into the viewer's home!

Even this seems too conventional to me - why is there no POV porn which takes the POV of a blue-bottle fly, trapped between an ornamental vase and a window pane in the adjacent room to an interracial gang-bang? How about the POV of a merciful God, looking down on a nun-on-nun fisting orgy with tears in his orbic eyes (the effect could be supplied by spraying a water-hose onto the camera lens and having Brian Blessed sing 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful' over the top of it)?

4. There really aren't enough special effects in most pornos. Everybody knows that special effects are the most entertaining aspect of any film, because they make us wonder what divine power resides in man's mortal frame - see: E.T. moving, Heath Ledger appearing to be alive in 'The Dark Knight'. There should be more giant computer-generated robot-cars in porn films, not to mention more exploding hovercrafts. Perhaps, to give one example, there could be a short film involving Jena Jameson kneeling in the middle of a computer-generated robot-car circle jerk, and when one of the computer generated robot-cars ejaculates, he misses her mouth and manages to blow up a hovercraft. This would also be funny, and true.

5. More audience interactivity. I'm thinking along the lines of the Reality TV phenomenon, which has made watching television more exciting and cognitively edifying than ever before! Why not have a voting system, whereby the ugliest women and most pathetically endowed men are routinely escorted from a jacuzzi-based bubble-buggering and forced to bob for used dildos in a gigantic paddling pool full of torn condoms and baby-oil? Why not, indeed?

Remember, the audience is not only always right, it is also always morally irreproachable.

6. This is similar to point 2, but relates to dialogue. Why oh why do we have to endure the same old 'Fuck me harder1 oo yeah, you like this wet little pussy don't you, dadd- I mean, STEP-daddy?' 'yeah baby-cakes, I'm fucking you in that pussy, you like that in your little tight faintly disturbing hint of prebuscently miniscule pussy don't you, sugar dove?' spiel, when there are such beautiful and fascinating things that could be talked about? I for one would like to see porn stars discussing Aristotle's poetics and the redemptive power of filial piety in our post-modern world, preferably while sitting on each other's fingers and stuffing their mouths with dicks.

Basically, imagine Question Time but with a slop-bucket instead of a table.

Porn really doesn't have to revolve around sex, you know.

7. I may be going out on a limb here, but couldn't more porn involve the strangulation and dismemberment of a live monkey at its climax?

I dunno, call me eccentric if you will, but I think that would really add some pizazz to proceedings. Also, if this WAS included, I might finally be able to squeeze off a table-spoon of baby-cream and leave my house.

It's just thoughts.