Hanging - because Simon Cowell's insults are becoming tired and I want to see if hanging Pop Idol contestants results in the judgeing process turning against the thin and boney, who are less likely to snap a rope in half with their gigantic body mass/big fat faces. We should eventually come out with a Pop Idol who weights 423lbs, has an inneradicable layer of shit carpeting their calf muscles, and has a fairly good idea of what it feels like to die publically on stage, covered in shit and being jeered at by a horde of peasants.
The Cane- because something will need to be used to incapicitate those children appearing on 'My Super Sweet 16' before Dog the Bounty Hunter drives up in his Hummer and very kindly shoots them in the forehead 15 times with his fingernails. If they are still able to run when Dog arrives on the scene, they may only be rendered disabled and/or disfigured for life, which as we know is no barrier for the wealthy in their pursuit of more and more air and leopard print ball gags. Just look at Paris Hilton, the only woman in the world rich enough to afford a wheel chair so minute it can fit underneath a single vaginal lip.
Princess Diana- so she can be fired from a cannon at the opening ceremony of the Olympic games into a gigantic glass replica of a Parisian Tunnel, which explodes upon her impacting it to reveal a gargantuan LCD screen displaying the steadily rocketing bank balance of Sir Elton John, who then comes out of the ground eating dozens of fifty pound notes from a sack with a dollar sign printed on the side of it.
Dragon Stout at DMZ- No, seriously.
3 weeks ago