Badly thought out way to get the bad thoughts out.

Monday, 30 March 2009

Weekend Run/Come-Down

Life is the lesson that keeps on teaching, ain't it just? For example, this weekend I learnt that I love drinking the above two drinks, but when combined with that stuff wot is ruining dubstep first and foremost but also my tenuous grip on a concrete notion of my personal identity it makes you/ME think you've/I'VE shat your/MY pants. Actually, I might also have my boxer shorts to blame for this, as I am unable to wear them without the waist-band being sucked into my arse-crack like a taut gull into a musty jet-engine.

On the journey to and from Bristol I listened to most of Blackdown and Dusk's latest show on Rinse. There's enough good stuff on there to make a perpetually moaning phantom-rectal-sick suffering corpsealike feel like a spare prick at a fat-lady skewering, including a dirty Terror Danjah tune with Badness making the words 'Ipod Shuffle' sound like 'I'm going to tear your balls off' and a tune by ''VVV'' which is (press release)like Burial - ON SLOW-RELEASING MDMA!(/pressrelease)... The highlight for me has to be an untitled tune by Peverelist - it's got that tight-lassoo of a groove, slightly off-kilter + sub bombardment thing that 'The Bluez' has, it's almost like a reversioning of it - except when it starts developing a few minutes into it and these quietly fucking EPIC strings start coming in.... wowzers.

Speaking of Pev, I went into Rooted records on Sunday and picked up a couple of tunes. It's a great shop - a selection of second hand garage/jungle, plentiful listening posts and staff who don't make you feel like your tongue must be hanging over your bottom lip and your crotch must be stained yellow to even CONSIDER buying THAT. (which reminds me). I bought a couple of dubstep bits (D1- Missing on Tempa is so grimey it splits some sort of mental heymy), the surprise killer is this one:

Wobble - check. Reverbed SFX- check. General repetition of same idea - check. But still, how can you argue with it? It drops like a pissed up carpet bomb. I also picked up this:

but didn't pick up this (which I'm kicking myself for now)

While I was waiting for the train from Bristol to Bath on Saturday, freezing my hands off and wishing I was lying in bed with a pillow as far up my nose as my boxer shorts were up my guts, I listened to THIS Karizma mix I got off someone on Dissensus. It's about three hours long and the first hour that I've listened to is supoib - a nice healthy mixture of soulful MAW style US garage stuff and stripped back percussive tribal-y stuff, with a touch of psychadelic synths etc. You can hear the touchstones of inspiration for a lot of UK funky in this stuff.

Brackles smashed up Crazy Legs, shouts also to Cooly G (who I could just about able to hear over the MC), Thinking, who played some nice garage/broken/funky to warm things up and Mak 10, who played when I was at my optimum pissitude level - it was all hard as fuck drum lashings, as far as I recall.

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Grizzly Man (Werner Herzog Documentary)

Watch GrizzlyMan_01 in Entertainment View More Free Videos Online at

The other four parts can be found on THIS page at the side.

I saw the end of this last night and it made me want to claw my own head open for the sweet honey inside. In a good way. It's about a man who lived in the wild with Grizzly Bears for years and years, started seeing the bears as his friends and humans as his enemy, and ended up getting killed and eaten by a bear along with his girlfriend who he'd dragged with him into the wilderness. Good cheery stuff, then.

Sunday, 22 March 2009

ASE on Kiss

Click HERE for the best non-technofied dubstep mix I've downloaded in a hot sweaty minute. Listening to this reminds me of the good times - whiskey and coke, spliff, Crazy D, skanking out, 8 pound burger outside Mass at 6 in the morning etc... DMZ Summer Blazedown might have to be done, can Silkie/Quest/Heny/Jay5ive all get booked, please?

Lost - Iron Hide - Dub
Skream - Rolling - Dub
Silkie - Headbutt The Deck! - Deep Meddi Music
Kromestar - Live In Experience - Higher Level Records
Quest - Untitled - Dub
Mala - 5 Minutes Later - Dub
Zed Bias - Untitled - Dub
Benga - Desending - Dub
Silkie - Test - Deep Meddi Music
Jay 5ive & Kromestar - Bass 96 - Dub
Silkie - 80's Baby - Dub
Harry Craze - Wa.6 - Dub
L.D - Do U Mind Remix - Dub
Benga - Buzzin - Dub
Kromestar - Grey Thought - Higher Level Records
Jay 5ive & Kromestar - Hands In Da Hair - Dub
Silkie - Concrete Jungle - Deep Meddi Music
Quest - The Unknow - Deep Meddi Music
? - No Warning - Dub
Kutz - Untitled - Dub
Truth - The Fatman (Out Now!) - Deep Meddi Music
Silkie - Mucky - Dub

Garage Mixes

MJ Cole - Sincere : M.A.W. - To Be in Love (MJ Mix) : Mariah Carey - Loverboy (MJ Mix) : Shaun Escofferey - Spacerider (MJ Mix) : MJ Cole - Watertight (Will Phillips Remix) : Breakbeat Era - Bulletproof (MJ Mix) : 2 as 1 & MJ Cole - Too Blind : Ramsey & Fen & MJ Cole - Style : Gass - Dark (MJ Mix) : Lamb - Gabriel (MJ Dub) : Box Clever - Treat Me Right : MJ Cole - Never Say Never : Nitin Sawhney - Sunset (MJ Mix) : 3rd Core - Mindless & Broken (MJ Mix) : Goldie - Believe (MJ Mix)

Boogie woogie. Go HERE for more UKG mixes from hardreset...

Alfred and the Dead Boy

I’m guessing a lot of you have seen this hilarious advert for road safety on TV recently. I think the basic message is ‘if you’re out driving, don’t take the crumpled and fractured corpse of the kid you hit last year with you because you’ll probably get distracted by it and crash into a lamp-post or something’.

Truly, this is the comic double act for our post-PC age! As you can see in this advert, the corpse is very much the Joker in the pack, while the terminally depressed suburban dad is the ‘straight-man’, reacting with side-splitting expressions of grumpy dismay every time the irrepressible pile of shattered bones and lacerated pink skin manages to appear in the most inconvenient of places.

Oh look! There he is - causing a stink up in the office! Goodness me! Who’s that making sure he brushes his teeth properly, even though he’s all grown up? Uh ohhhh! Who’s about to appear inside the fudge-cake at his son’s third birthday party?! This is the best ‘comedy of embarrassment’ since that thirty-second clip Ricky Gervais made for Comic Relief where he called a black man in a wheelchair a ‘nig-nog crip-spaz’ (LMAO).

Like ‘The Office’, this advert brings comedy right into the arena of the everyday. We can all relate to it – who amongst us hasn’t looked under the desk when we were about to masturbate to some hardcore pornography, only to find a dead child staring at us, putting us off our stroke? Certainly not me, and I’m usually quite conscientious about cleaning up after myself!!!

One is reminded of such classic knockabout duos as Del Boy and Rodney and Steptoe and Son, when enjoying this depiction of a couple of blokes, hard up on their luck, one of whom is being constantly dragged away from success and happiness by the other. You might say there is even something a little tragic about it, something which adds a note of melancholy to our relentless guffaws and splutters.

Given that British comedy is in a terrible state at the moment, with Horden and Corno attracting appalling reviews and nose-diving ratings and Mock the Week still being Mock the Week, wouldn’t it be wise for some savvy TV commissioner out there to take this brilliant partnership and give them a 6 episode sitcom or sketch-show? I propose that the title be something snappy – but witty - like ‘Alfred and the Dead Boy’.

Just think of all the scrapes these two could get into! For example, Alfred has to go on a double date with his boss’s daughter and her mate, but all his non-dead and adult mates are all busy – cue Alfred, smiling through gritted teeth as he props up the Dead Boy’s tuxedo clad corpse with a wooden spoon, and throws his voice to make it seem as if the Dead Boy really fancies both the girls. There is a hilarious moment when the Dead Boy falls face first into one of the girls’ bowl of soup, BUT IT ONLY TURNS THEM ON MORE! "I love a man with a strong stomach!" she coos, biting her lip, which is a source of rich amusement for the audience, who know that Dead Boy actually hasn’t got a stomach, or a liver, or teeth, or at least 74% of his reproductive organs! At this point, Alfred tugs his collar and grimaces as if to say ''Crikey o riley!''.

Another scene would see Alfred playing five a side football with his mates and their kids, and doing pretty well in the process. Only problem is, one of the kids hurts their ankle doing a sliding tackle and Alfred’s team is down one player! Luckily, Alfred knows just who he can stick in goal to keep a clean sheet… that is, unless you throw said sheet over his multiple exhaust pipe lacerations!

The possibilities are endless – Dead Boy the draft excluder, Dead Boy wins 50 quid for Alfred at the Human Statue contest, Dead Boy’s rigor mortis strengthened forelimbs used to carnally satisfy Alfred’s disconsolate wife! As you can see, Alfred often could use the Dead Boy to his advantage, but obviously there would be a lot of episodes where Dead Boy turned up at precisely the wrong moment as well – spread eagled atop Alfred’s face as he’s trying to conceive another child, for example, or on top of the lectern when he’s making an important speech at his company.

I can see no possible objection to this idea, except perhaps that it’s ‘unrealistic’. Well, you know what? I think that the manager of a hotel being incredibly rude to his guests and openly slurring the nationality of a group of Germans a bit ‘unrealistic’ too! Enough said!

Saturday, 21 March 2009

Friday, 20 March 2009

Have U Got A Fresh Pair of Panties On?


I was going to draw up a list of why Snoop Dogg is one of my favourite people in the world but then I thought I'll just post up this video which everyone's seen a thousand times before.

2. He can spell his own name out and hardly ever gets it wrong.

He should really have vocalled 'Digidesign' or something.

''Nah nah nah nah/Nah nah nah nah/Hey hey hey/Snoop Dogg...''

Crazy Legs Night in Brizzle

5 squid? Are u mad? Tickets.

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Hardcore tunes

I've said it before and I'll say it again - there's more ideas thrown away in most of these tunes than there are in the entire output of most producers today.


"You call that 'hardcore pornography'? More like 'hardcore YAWNography'!" Here's some ideas I've had in between mental and physical seizures.

1. Lets have some original nationalities - I'm sick to the suspiciously tightly meshed hairs on my stomach of Americans, Germans, Frenchies and half-dead Eastern Europeans! I want to see how Inuits deal with a double-ended dildo. N.B. If they use it to paddle their canoes around this would also be of interest, though not necessarily of the sexually arousing sort.

2. More educational tattoos - Why is it that every time I'm staring at the sweat-projecting back end of a grunting man as he rams his Viagra-numbed loin-chip up a hairless pelvic-vomit I am forced to read some of the most intellectually banal prose this side of a World of Sofas catalogue? Would it kill these boys to get something worth reading inked onto their shoulder blades? How about a passage from Divina Commedia, or an in depth article about the Russian invasion of Georgia, and its implications for international relations in a post 9-11 world? "Bad motherfucker'' will NOT DO. You might as well have a picture of a herpes sore with an arrow through it, with the words ''I'm desperate for money'' etched beneath it.
Also, how many bows and stars do we really need to see adorning the crown of a ruptured cum-dripping anus? It just looks tacky. I suggest something more along these lines:

There - isn't that better?

3. I'd like to see more flair in terms of camework and direction - at the moment the medium is crushingly uninventive. Sure, we have POV porn, but its always from the POV of the party who is receiving oral and giving penetrative sex. By simply taping a cow's tongue to the lens of a camera, the effect of performing cunnulingus on a 28 year old cheerleader with a triple-pierced clitoris and genital warts could be brought right into the viewer's home!

Even this seems too conventional to me - why is there no POV porn which takes the POV of a blue-bottle fly, trapped between an ornamental vase and a window pane in the adjacent room to an interracial gang-bang? How about the POV of a merciful God, looking down on a nun-on-nun fisting orgy with tears in his orbic eyes (the effect could be supplied by spraying a water-hose onto the camera lens and having Brian Blessed sing 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful' over the top of it)?

4. There really aren't enough special effects in most pornos. Everybody knows that special effects are the most entertaining aspect of any film, because they make us wonder what divine power resides in man's mortal frame - see: E.T. moving, Heath Ledger appearing to be alive in 'The Dark Knight'. There should be more giant computer-generated robot-cars in porn films, not to mention more exploding hovercrafts. Perhaps, to give one example, there could be a short film involving Jena Jameson kneeling in the middle of a computer-generated robot-car circle jerk, and when one of the computer generated robot-cars ejaculates, he misses her mouth and manages to blow up a hovercraft. This would also be funny, and true.

5. More audience interactivity. I'm thinking along the lines of the Reality TV phenomenon, which has made watching television more exciting and cognitively edifying than ever before! Why not have a voting system, whereby the ugliest women and most pathetically endowed men are routinely escorted from a jacuzzi-based bubble-buggering and forced to bob for used dildos in a gigantic paddling pool full of torn condoms and baby-oil? Why not, indeed?

Remember, the audience is not only always right, it is also always morally irreproachable.

6. This is similar to point 2, but relates to dialogue. Why oh why do we have to endure the same old 'Fuck me harder1 oo yeah, you like this wet little pussy don't you, dadd- I mean, STEP-daddy?' 'yeah baby-cakes, I'm fucking you in that pussy, you like that in your little tight faintly disturbing hint of prebuscently miniscule pussy don't you, sugar dove?' spiel, when there are such beautiful and fascinating things that could be talked about? I for one would like to see porn stars discussing Aristotle's poetics and the redemptive power of filial piety in our post-modern world, preferably while sitting on each other's fingers and stuffing their mouths with dicks.

Basically, imagine Question Time but with a slop-bucket instead of a table.

Porn really doesn't have to revolve around sex, you know.

7. I may be going out on a limb here, but couldn't more porn involve the strangulation and dismemberment of a live monkey at its climax?

I dunno, call me eccentric if you will, but I think that would really add some pizazz to proceedings. Also, if this WAS included, I might finally be able to squeeze off a table-spoon of baby-cream and leave my house.

It's just thoughts.

March YouTube Mix-Blog

and they say being unemployed is a waste of time...

Tuesday, 17 March 2009


Cant Take It feat. Dwele - Recloose

Party Hard

You might as well in a recession - you aren't going to be working hard, are you?

I saw Andrew WK live many years ago and until I had danced around my house naked singing ''DONEEEEO'' at the top of my reedy little voice, it was the best moment of my entire life.


Stuart Grumblesome on how the German school-system failed knucklehead gunman Tim Kretschmer.

There are some things, my friends, that can be counted on to occur with the regularity of the ticking of the Greenwich clock – the delivery of a pint of skimmed outside my cottage every morning, the steady erosion of our civil liberties by a bunch of Islamist fanatics who should be locked up and detonated, and another Premiership title for those boys in United Red!

But one thing seems to occur with even more regularity than the ticking of the Greenwich clock. No sooner has the little hand covered half the distance of a second before another unhinged Lanky Yanky Goth sprays up his classroom with an UZI before the donut-guzzling boys in blue can wipe the jelly off their fingers and get on with filling him full of brass.

In the case of last weeks tragic BLOODBATH in Germany, the tragedy was further compounded by the fact that the Lanky Yanky Goth was in this particular case a Speccy Kraut who should have known better.

Now, I now what you’re saying, dear readers! "Leave it out, Stu! Why, it was only about 50 years ago that those crazy sausage-botherers were trying to bomb us to bits in order to build a big bank on top of our green and pleasant, not to mention being intent on serving up Half-sack Hitler a big POLISH PEOPLE PIE for his diabolical din dins– don’t you remember the FUHRORE around it?"

Well, of course I do! But times have changed. We have to let bygones be bygones. I say the Krauts are alright. After all, what other country lets you drive a steady Tonne PLUS down their main motorway without calling out the rozzers on you?

The Germans are more laid-back than the whore-mongering Dutch nowadays, as any Lederhosen clad, cheery-faced beer-swilling Hun will happily tell you (in pretty good English, too!). And a bloody good thing too, in this writer’s humble opinion!

Which fact makes last weeks GUN JAMBOREE in a German super-Schule particularly confusing and tragic. It seems that the once ruthlessly efficient Deutsch have succumbed a little too much to the Bacchanalian uproar of their nearest neighbours on the continent, and are beginning to let things go up the shoot and out of the hand!

On first glance, KAISER SKILLEDAIM Tim Kretschmer doesn’t strike you as being a potential KILLJOY. He wears glasses and a buttoned up shirt. This neat young man looks a thousand miles away from the HOOD AND SNEAKERS clad yobbos that we are familiar with over here, and his skin is as white as snow!

This cherubic fawn was a keen table-tennis player, and had a rich and industrious Vater. Surely, you must be thinking, this respectable old cove had the good manners, hardened Protestant work ethic and intellectual prowess that would have marked him out for a career in one of his Reich’s Bankplatzes? Isn’t this the face of Germany’s 21st Century UBERFOLK?

But Ah, my Friends! Appearances can be deceptive (except in the case of Hoodies and Islamists, who don’t have the decency to disguise themselves, of course!), and in this case OLD UNCLE FRITZ was pulling a fast one the likes of which hasn’t been seen since ORIBBLE ITLER told Lord Churchill he was "just looking after" the REINLAND for "ein friend"!

Kretschmer was a noodle-head! A dunderwit, a dumbkopf, ein DOLT! This was a German who couldn’t count how many sausages are in a string! Not only did he leave school at the age of 17, when most Germans should be doing PHDs in Astrochemical Engineering and Physics, but several other facts have since come to light which put the KOSH on BOSH educational standards!
  • Kretschmer promised on an internet chat-room that he would murder "at least 10" of his former classmates. In the event of it, the poor pea-brain actually copper-clobbered only NINE of them.

    In a suicidal weepy note Kretschmer gave to his parents before the PLAYGROUND-PUTSCH, he wrote: "I am alone and disloved in a cruel wurld" (spelling mistakes translated as best as can be).
  • Police who searched the crime-scene in the AFTERBLOODBATHAFTERMATH discovered that several of the potential victims of Kretschmer’s BLUT-LOOST had not done their homework.

Now, I’m not saying that Kretschmer’s school-teachers are entirely to blame for what happened. Other factors – such as violent video games which taught Kretschmer how a gun is operated by pressing the trigger down to make death come out of it – are certainly worth considering (and then discarding!).

But should all of this really be happening in a German school, and in a middle class area?

I mean, look at how organised this lot are! You wouldn't find any of these Jerries telling their teacher ''MEIN DOG ETZEN IT!''

Could it not be time to dust off that IRON FIST, MEIN KOMRADES? I humbly suggest the construction of a multitude of bullet-proof BERLIN WALLS around the uncommonly stupid and/or brown pupils as a first measure of protection, followed by the implementation of a strong political leader who can tackle both the threat of over-relaxation and economic turmoil.

Furthermore, after Police revealed this week that Kretschmer fired over 40 shots without hitting a single person during the rampage, I suggest that all intelligent and industrious pupils attending German schools are given compulsory light arms training and instruction in the correct wiring of explosives.

You know it makes sentzen.

Monday, 16 March 2009

Hummer for the Summer pt 232

1. Wearing a hawaian shirt will no longer be a shameful ordeal, except if you are being buggered violently at the time with an apple in your mouth.

2. Those wishing to stare at lithe and hairless legs in the midday sun will no longer be forced to lie on their bellies on the perimeter fence of the playground with a bin bag over their heads and a telescope.

3. Everybody will be wearing sunglasses, and the blind will no longer be ostracised figures of fun and objects of cruel ridicule, as I will be unable to discern them by sight alone.

4. As my mother used to say to me as a young scamp: ''The more hours in the day there are, the less hours in bed at night thinking about death there are!''

5. Although sand-castle related murders will rise over the summer months, school shootings will be down 100%.

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Futureproving difficult to make a pun out of

but fuck it. I heard this tune getting dropped at a squat-after-party after Futureproof this Saturday just gone. Even through the haze of utter wonk I could tell a tune that wasn't made for a brain-damaged, sweat-festooned puny toon, and oh how I danced. Someone also dropped this:

At the night itself, this brought the lights up:

I have to admit when I was dancing to this I wasn't really from the endz, but I just pretended and I don't think anyone noticed. Lil Silva absolutely merked it - when I came in he was rolling out Now That's What I Call Funky the selection, and that was absolutely fine and jilldandy, given that this isn't anywhere near as bad a prospect as a Now That's What I Call Coldplay selection or Now That's What I Call Music T-Pain Isn't Inspired By selection. It means Gabryelle RMX, Do You Mind, Sirens and that Crazy Cousinz tune with the Xylophone which sounded fucking unbelievable on the FP system.

The system was ridiculously big (I think Silva said he'd never heard Funky on such a huge rig) and interestingly it reminded me of how much better suited dubstep is to that sort of system than garage, which needs to be a little more light in my opinion. Funky came through perfectly, though, it's amazing how simple but solid a lot of those tunes are (I mean that Roska tune 'Gone to a Better Place' is essentially the same thing over and over again, but all these little details keep the momentum up). Funky makes people MOVE too - I hate that cliche of dubstep being all people shuffling around farting buds down their trouser legs and tongueing each others nostrils but there IS something more doneo-may-care about dancing to Funky. I don't know if people in Funky say things like ''This tune makes me want to rape Bono...'' yet because it doesn't seem like aggressive music, by and large. Even the grimey tunes Lil Silva makes are still quite fun and bouncy - it's that balance of aggression and party energy that a lot of 'jump up' music doesn't seem to nail to me.

On the dubstep tip I have to big up Ben UFO for playing Almighty Father RMX and also Shattered by Coki, which I realised is a bad bad tune - Coki's drums are underrated, at least on those oldish tunes. The whole night was fucking great as usual. Hold very tight and close your eyes @ Tom, Rachel, Lewis, Geiom, Dawntreader, Brackles and Mart etc.

While I'm here I may as well plug a few mixes that have been doing it for me in recent weeks. For deep house fans HERE's a Move D mix (right click and save). You should also check out the following:

(right click and save on picture - original mix HERE). This mix is basically techno, some interesting tunes in there though.

Mount Kimbie – William – Hotflush

Soulphiction – What's Your Name - Musik Krause

Moodymann - Freeki Mutha F cker - KDJ

NSI - Hassel - Cadenza

Lowtec - I Remember - Playhouse

Syncom Data - Beyond The Stars (Speedy J Remix) - SD

Ben Klock - OK - Ostgut Ton

Modi and Fegiz - El Solitaire - Vinylclub

The Missing Link - 911 - Wagon Repair

Lazy Fat People - Low Profile - Perspectiv Records

AntonZap - Pm Please - Underground Quality

Fail Forever - When Saints Go Machine (dOP Remix) - EMI

Lowtec - Workshop 006 - Workshop

Animal Collective - My Girls - Domino Recording Company

(click on pic for sendspace link. Original link HERE). This is straight techno of a very high quality.

1. Function - Variance (Regis Edit) [Sandwell District]
2. Liquid Sky - The Darkness [Filtered Vision]
3. Shed - The Lower Upside Down (Surgeon Remix) [Ostgut Ton]
4. Norman Nodge - Man Made [MDR]
5. Bandalu - Episode 07 [Foundation Sound Works]
6. The Mole - Ain't The Way It's Supposed To Be [Wagon Repair]
7. Surgeon - Prowler [Counterbalance]
8. Omar-S - Busaru Beats [Sound Signature]
9. Ben Klock - Grip [Ostgut Ton]
10. Levon Vincent - Six Figures [Novel Sound]
11. Steffan Linzatti - See [Stockholm LTD]
12. Steve Stoll - Run in It B1 [Proper]
13. Norman Nodge - Rush [MDR]
14. Ben Klock - Before One [Ostgut Ton]
15. Booka Shade - Sweet Lies (Radio Slave Remix) [Get Physical]
16. Marcel Dettmann - Untitled [Unreleased]
17. Kink - Blue Print [Rush Hour]
18. Roman Lindau - Simplicity [Fachwork]