Badly thought out way to get the bad thoughts out.

Wednesday, 30 April 2008

Film Review of the Day: Tobe Hooper's 'What Women Dread'

What Women Dread Rated PG (Dir. Tobe Hooper, starring Mel Gibson, Helen Hunt, Jack Black, Tara Reid, Steven Seagal)

Daniel Marshall (played by Mel Gibson) about to assault a gaggle of feminists with a bottle in Tobe Hoopers 'What Women Dread'

In these times, when studios seem to know exactly what viewers will get but not what they will want, it is gratifying for a critic such as myself to be presented with 'What Women Dread', a new offbeat romantic comedy, sequel to the high grossing 'What Women Want'. In 'What Women Want', Mel Gibson starred as Nick Marshall, a chauvinistic businessman enabled by a paranormal incident involving an accident with a hair dryer to hear what any woman in sight is thinking, and forced in the process into discarding his sexist world-view. This sequel, directed by Tobe Hooper, bravely steps away from the light hearted and whimsical feel of its predecessor whilest retaining essentially the same central conceit. This time around we find Marshall trapped in a loveless marriage with Darcy Maguire (Helen Hunt), grinding away his meaningless, non telepathic life in an endless hamster's wheel of an existence. He finds himself psychologically distressed and frustrated by his inability to hear what his wife is thinking, despite suspecting that she is having an affair with one of his other female work colleagues.

Compounding his domestic problems, Marshall is being held to ransom by Janie (Tara Reid), a 17 year old high school cheerleader whom he met, seduced and sodomized at the annual 'Femifest' party that he and Hunt's business - Marshall Maguire's Insect Handling and Sales - holds (we see these events in flashback form, Hooper's groggy camera work knowingly making reference to Federico Cartoni's 1963 film 'LaBat', and a live performance by Nickelback accompanying the climactic anal penetration adding some real zing to proceedings). Janie is now demanding that Marshall pays for her college tuition and also that he buys her a helicopter and 400 pairs of shoes unless he wishes her to reveal their secret to his wife and the authorities.

Though this sub-plot provides nothing little in the way of comic relief (one of the biggest laughs in the screening I was sat in came when Janie slyly asked Marshall if he thought that 'its members sodomizing underage school-girls is what the state wants', and one scene in particular, involving Marshall attempting to wash blood out of jock-strap, almost brought tears to my eyes), it has its own tragic ramifications.

Marshall is on the existential ropes here, and seems unable to snap out of his malaise as he is devoured on both sides by predatory, cynical and spiritually gluttonous bitch-queens. But, as luck would have it, along comes redemption in the unlikely form of an accident involving a straight razor, a fully ran bath and some scented candles. Gibson once again finds himself blessed by a miracle when his wife's friend Paula walks into the bathroom to find him spraying blood six feet across the carpet and begins to scream hysterically. When Marshall jumps out of the bath, attempting to placate Paula, he realises that she is willing to do anything he says in her fear of him. Another huge laugh comes as Marshall tells Paula 'Go down to the 7-11 and get me some plasters. Oh, and a bag of potato chips. And a FUCKIN' BEER!' Gibson is magnificent in these comic sequences, his face akin to a side of ham sat atop two tectonic plates. He segues effortlessly into this 'ham clown' mode having established a depth to Marshall in the earlier, more thousand-yard-stare centred scenes.

An epiphany has occured, and now Gibson is empowered to change his life through the knowledge of what women who are in mortal fear of you will do to avoid strangulation. Cue Gibson, at times in full madcap mode, spying on his wife and kidnapping her therapist in order to discover what she has been dreading happening to her ever since childhood. In order to fulfill her nightmare, Gibson enlists the help of work colleague Sam Spendler, played with relish by funnyman Jack Black. Spendler is a lazy goof, office clown and registered sex offender, and when HE gets involved, we all know there are going to be tears (and laughs!) before bedtime. Viewers (particularly young children), will be delighted by the moment that Black is fired 300 feet through the air by a circus cannon, only to land head first up a co-ed's backside.

It must be mentioned that Tobe Hooper is as able a director of farcical sexual assault as he is of bleak, filtered-lens-viewed impotency anguish, as these Black and Gibson knockabout scenes demonstrate. Previously best known for directing grindhouse shocker ''The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'', Hooper is here given a chance to display a hitherto disguised flair for directing comedy and action that places him all of a sudden at the forefront of the family entertainment market.

Meanwhile, back in Marshall land, Janie is in for a shock as Marshall discovers, quite by accident, that she has a fear of being buried up to her neck in slugs. When a new contract for Slug and Slugsons comes calling at Marshall's place of business, we are left in no doubt what is about to befall the young hussy when Gibson turns his charming rogue's gaze at the camera for a split second, an invigoratingly moment of involute audience courting. For Marshall, his newfound knowledge of what women will urinate into their own hands and drink the contents before confronting is really beginning to pay off, and we cheer him all the way as his life regains its meaning and joy.

But, as in 'What Women Want', Gibson's gift does not just grant him practical use in dispatching with his problems, but also opens his eyes and heart to a new world of oppurtunity. Whilest out on the lam stalking a beautiful young lawyer with a hunting knife concealed in his slacks, Gibson comes to realise that he finds her daily routines- walking her dog to the local hogie store, her secret love of Dire Straits and her nightly habit of undressing and masturbating in front of her bedroom window- are all remarkably cute and special, and resolves to marry her. Jaws will drop and sides will split at the climax of 'What Women Dread', as Gibson is confronted at the altar by his bruised and bloodied wife and mentally scarred high school mistress and decides its time to let rip with the three foot high steel crucifix and a semi-automatic pistol he has stuffed in his cumberbund. Whilest some critics have called this scene a 'grotesque baconian nightmare' and 'virulently misogynistic brutalist claptrap', I for one, as a pathologically unsuccessful and embittered bachelor who hasn't kissed a girl in about five years, was applauding in the aisles.

Tuesday, 15 April 2008

Dear Corpsie: Blogspot's Uncle Agony

My Sick Boss Demands Sex!!!

Anonymous Writes: My boss keeps trying to get me to have sex with him. I’m worried he’ll find a reason to sack me unless I give in.

I am 19 and it’s taken me over a year to land myself a new job after being made redundant. I was over the moon that at last I could get back into work and start saving up so me and my boyfriend can move in together eventually.

I love my job, and my boss is really nice to everyone. He’s a good-looking guy and there are plenty of other girls working here who would be willing, but he’s singled me out for his attentions.

Every day he finds excuses to get me to go up to his office, or stay after the others have gone home so we can be on our own.

I love my boyfriend very much and I wouldn’t dream of being unfaithful. I’ve told my boss how I feel about my boyfriend and that we’ve been together for over two years. He just laughs and says I can do better.

It doesn’t really bother me that he chats me up. I can handle that, and I’ve no intention of giving into his wishes. I’ve made it clear I’m not going to have sex with him, now or in the future. At first he seemed OK but over the past week or so he seems to be getting a bit annoyed when I refuse him.

What’s really worrying me now is whether he’ll find a reason to sack me unless I do what he wants. He’s said as much in the past.

I really can’t afford to lose this job. There aren’t many around where I live, and it would be so unfair as I know I do my work really well.

Corpsey Says: Hmm, Katie, you really are in a pickle here, aren't you? A sort of office-shaped pickle floating in a jar of unkept promises, broken contracts and shattered hip-bones. I would say that your boss is being extremely inappopriate in making such advances on you and that you should really press charges of sexual harassment against him, as if he's doing it to you he will probably do it to any other girls with such pert, rasberry-red-nippled yams as yours yourself have had.

However, if you do that then the word will spread. You see, Katie Hargreaves (21 Mapleseed Drive, Stoke-On-Trent), 19, there is a network of lecherous managers operating around the entire country, indeed continent, who INcontinently spray piss gibbets of information to each other about which and such intern will or will not engage in horse and arse play at the drop of a contract.

They are everywhere- the Bank of England, Nationwide, Sheila's Wheels. Yes, even Sheila's Wheels. They sit, reclining in their leather-bound chairs (shaped byGerman mechanics to ape the contours of their last secretary's vaginal crevice), dribbling onto their erectilecliterine cigars as they fumble about in their Calvin Klein undercarriages, hoping to detect a single fibre of their groin which hasn't been stuck to itself by a big wad of sod blodge.

If you reject your boss now, every other boss in the continent who hears about it will put a single ice cube onto the tip of your permanent record to symbolise frigidity, a rather cunning and elegant symbol which will incrementally sully and saturate your credentials until they are nothing but a collection of wet bits.

Speaking of collections of wet bits, I think I have your answer, however! You are going to have to give your boss what he wants, unfortunately, but that doesn't mean that you have to give him EXACTLY what he wants.

To construct a false vagina, simply take one bowl full of strawberry jelly and stuff it full of honey roast ham from Marks and Spencers. Next find a cat and cut its tail off with a pair of hedge clippers. Take the tail and glue it onto the brim of the bowl so it surrounds the edge in a perfect (or FURpect!) circle. Mmm thats the stuff!

Now take an ordinary belt and replace the buckle with the hairy bowl of jellyham, and you're good to go. Don't worry, years of pointing out spread-legged roadkill to their drivers means that the average boss doesn't know the difference between a vagina and a badger's lung.

If all goes well, you'll be getting ahead in your career WITHOUT offending your boyfriend, boss, friends or family! Good luck, Katie Hargraves of Stoke on Trent, Burtons Bath-Salts Inc.!

Next Time! ''I'm sleeping with fella's nephew'' and ''I shouldn't have dug her up and ravished her hole-y bits''.

Monday, 14 April 2008

Hip-Hop History

^ these mixes all look great, from 1979 - 1999 ^

Friday, 11 April 2008

Decent Recent Rinse Shows

More puerile shite forthcoming for those that are worried (all one of you) that this blog is turning into a boring load of links. It is. But take it like a man.

Spyro and MC Badness on Rinse:

Blackdown + Dusk on Rinse:

Appleblim Podcast:

Braiden on Rinse:

And why not?

Friday, 4 April 2008


From DNBA, a few of my good m8s and enemies mixing some jungle/dnb classics. I've really gone off DNB massively over the last month or so after being into it for ages and ages but this is some 'drink a few cans, smoke a bone and start throwing torn up rizla bits all over the floor for your mum to clean up' shit

1. Doc Scott - Unofficial Ghost [Metalheadz]
2. Future Forces Inc - Dead By Dawn [Renegade Hardware]
3. Krust - Blaze Dis One [V Recordings]
4. Ed Rush & Nico - Technology (Boymerang Remix) [No U Turn]
5. Dillinja - Silver Blade [Higher Ground]
J Funk
6. DJ Die & DJ Suv - War & Peace [V Recordings]
7. Freestyles - Feel [True Playaz]
8. Genotype - Extra Terrestrial [Renegade Hardware]
9. Dom & Optical - Quadrant 6 [Moving Shadow]
10. IQ Collective - Transmission [TOV]
11. Dillinja - Acid Trak [Pain]
12. Technical Itch - The Virus (remix) [Audio Couture]
13. Dom & Roland - Mechanics [31 Records]
14. Genotype - Toxic [Renegade Hardware]
15. DJ Kane ft Nemesis - System (Optical & Fierce remix) [Renegade Hardware]
16. Boymerang - Mind Control [Regal]
Kola Nut
17. Optical - Moving 808s [Prototype]
18. Ray Keith - Chasing Shadows [Dread]
19. Jonny L - See Red [XL Recordings]
20. Decoder - The Difference [Hardleaders]
21. Concept 2 - Unlock The Secrets [Ram Records]
22. Nucleus & Paradox - Past, Present & Future [Reinforced]


Spam Chop mix

''Some old,some new.....

1.Sampler Routine(various lock grooves and vinyls used)
2.Subversion, Mass Apathy
3.Matthew Jonson, Return of zombie bikers (midnight operator remix)
4.Early Bird, Galavant (wigflex)
5.Skream, 2d
6.Delia Gonzalez & Gavin Russom, Rise
7.The Hizatron, Ulysees 55 (wigflex)
8.Rusko, ??
9.Geiom, Marathon Drums (looped,effects)
10.Marlin Spike, Bongo Rocker
11.Pinch, Lazarus
12.Metaphi, Anticipation (wigflex)
13.Rui Da Silva,Escaping My Mind (tolfrey & inxec mix)
14.Stefan Tretau, Reiner Modern
15.Metaphi,Half Hearted (wigflex)
16.Stefan Bodzin,Pendulum
17.AFX crying in your face & Bodzin (looped)
18.Early Bird,Absence makes the heart grow fonder (wigflex)
19.AppleBlim & Peverilist,Over Here
20.Clouds,Protecting Hands (geiom refix)
21.Thomas Schumacher ,Red Purple
22.Perc & Fractal,Up (perc mix)
23.Chaim, moon
24.Stefan Tretau,??
25.Bodzin & Romboy,Ariel
26.Metaphi,Half Moon (wigflex)
27.Digital Filth (remix)
30.Rekorder 0
32.Ellen Allien,Go
33.Matt Tolfrey & Craig Sylvester, Shakil
34.The Tuss,Goodbye Rute
35.Ricki Rucker HighHat Lock groove
36.Geiom, Auxology & Unessecery Stress (looped)
37.Thomas Schumacher. Kick School 79
38.Moonbeam,Spring Story
39.Ricardo Tobar,El Sunset
40.Citizen Kain,Doppelganger & El Sunset (looped)
41.The Hizatron,?:huh: (wigflex)
43.Butch, On the Line
44.Avus, Furry Hat
45.Peverelist,Erstwhile Rythm (forsaken Remix)
46.2562,Channel One
48.Various Productions,Suj Mix
49.Fairmont, Mobula
50.Rekorder 10.3
51.Bass Clef, Zamayatin vol1
52.DMZ,Blue Notez (looped)

2 decks,1 cdj, sampler/mixer and a kaos pad. All loops n FX are live.''

Large up Spam Chop, future superstar Paul Oakenfold of the Nottingham scene... DL this

Wednesday, 2 April 2008

Todd Edwards The Aural Drinking Binge

^ Streaky Todd Mix vol. 1 ^

This is like the garage/cheesy vocal house equivalent of having just one pint at lunchtime and then having just five shots afterwards because fuck it it's almost sunny.

Man like billy blanks off dubstepforum tells me that on 2nd may man make music (who did the warehouse party on saturday at which tronman, elgato and billyblanks all mahurkled it... Lean FWD) are doing some thing at corsica with untold, darkstar, portable, cameo, cotti and more all on and he'll be ''dropping a few militantly religious todd edwards classics!'' - so reach that.

Other things

Apple, funky house apparently but not wine bar:

Skwee mix I've been feeling a lot:

And being unemployed has led me to revisit the pleasures of getting drunk to the sound of grotty sarcastic punk:

It ain't all james blunt out ere