Badly thought out way to get the bad thoughts out.
Friday, 7 August 2009
Was in Amsterdam last weekend and caught Benji B and Pharoah Monch in Oosterpark. Good news for Pharoah fans - he's doing his new album entirely with Alchemist. Very Bad news about Baatin, though. A tragic end to a (sometimes) tragic life - apparently he had schizophrenia and was living on the streets for a year or so before he was welcomed back into the Slum Village fold very recently. I think 'Cloud Nine' was probably Baatin's (as well as S.V's) comeback single.
I thought/think that 'Cloud Nine' could have blown up this summer, a summer sunburst of clattering cymbals and toms, soulful harmonies, mournful brass and joyous piano, not to mention a performance by S.V themselves (T3, Elzhi and Baatin, if I'm not mistaken?) full of an appropriate energy and swagger (not to mention quotables for days (''frontin' like they diamonds when they cubic zirconias'', for example). The MCs on 'Cloud Nine' exhibit the same quality that made them so perfect for Dilla's sultry, thumping, hypnotic beats on 'Fantastic' vol. 1 and 2 - the ability to FIT in with the beat, an innate understanding of the rhythmic role a rapper plays over a particular rhythm. All those little pauses and breaths and hiccupy stop/starts on the Dilla stuff, and the almost incantatory chanting and back and forth interplay between the MCs - these intimately replicated the stuttering, syncopated swing of Dilla's beats, their hypnotic bump, the misty/foggy quality of the samples. And on 'Cloud Nine', while the replication of rhythm is largely restricted to the characteristic 'thinkin' bout ya, thinkin' bout ya', the delivery is all excitement and enthusiasm, quite dissimilar from the majority of S.V. material I've heard, and fitting the concept of being high on love (for a girl/for music...) to a tee.
Now, you could hardly say that S.V. were the best lyricists in Hip-Hop (not that their lyrics were BAD), but in an underground where obsession with lyrical content often makes people forget the importance of voice/flow (that's 'flow' not in the sense of thousands of multisyllabic words, though that can fall under it), Slum Village's best work is a potent reminder of the voice as rhythmic instrument. It is this characteristic of their music which, along with Dilla's boom-bap + filtered jazz-loops, that made them the heir to ATCQ in a lot of people's eyes/ears. Listening to 'Cloud Nine' it seems obvious to me that there was life after Dilla for them, and presumably there'll be life after Baatin for them too... but still, R.I.P.
Thinking of doing a top 20 favourite dilla beats in the future, but not sure about it. For now, look out for Slum Village's new album 'Villa Manifesto' (22nd September) and DL 'Cloud Nine' legally so my dream of predicting a shock summer hit can come about 3 downloads closer to a reality!
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Friday, 17 July 2009
Thursday, 2 July 2009
Friday, 26 June 2009
Out July 6th on Brackles and Shortstuff's new label Blunted Robots, two tunes that have been killing it on Brackles' Rinse shows along with being played by DJs like Geiom, Oneman, Bok Bok, Untold etc. Martin Kemp's woozy wonky percussively bubbling 'No Charisma' is my percy ingle on the plate (see HERE for previous semi-slobberings). Everybody with ears and decks should buy this 12. Audio on Blunted Robots Myspace HERE.
I think I've talked about Wigflex before on here, dunno if I plugged their last EP though but I should have. The new one is equally as good, full of bleeps, clicks and chirrups but not slacking on the party-starting front either - sort of combining headspace with elbow space, the kind of tunes you could have a right knees up in a club while off so mangled on ketamine that you think your knees aren't their anymore to put up... Go HERE for more info.
Also I don't think Geiom really needs a plug from me but his new funky influenced stuff is running ('Hard Downs' especially) - go to his Myspace for clips. He's also recently done a mix for Fact magazine (''providing Corpsey with lazy blog content since 2008''), which you can find HERE (article HERE).
Anyone into their UK Funky at the moment should check DSF member Hackman's funky tunes on his Myspace. Percussively solid and rattling with big Roska-esque b-lines and a lot of nice soulful/psychadelic-funk vibes riding the drums, fucking superb stuff. One to watch.
Right, well if I don't get any blow jobs or eight-balls out of that I'll be steaming.
this tune, a certified (erring towards certifiable) banger, features on THIS mix which is associated with the So Bones blog/night.
Natasha (feat Clipse) So Sick
Britney Spears I Got A Plan
Chris Brown Flamethrower
Janet Jackson So Much Betta
Ryan Leslie Addicted (feat Cassie & Fabolous)
Common Universal Mind Control
Electrik Red W.F.Y
Rich Boy Drop
Nicole Scherzinger (feat T.I.) Whatever You Like
Usher (feat Ludacris) Dat Girl Right There
Ciara Work (feat Missy Elliott)
Mims Move If You Wanna
The mix/blog/night all concentrate on contemporary RnB, which it turns out is full of robo-vocalists singing about shagging over populist avant-garde techno-crunk, as opposed to Boyz 2 Men harmonising (about shagging) over the soundtrack to the Red Shoe Diaries. Of course, everybody knows that producers like Timbo and the Neptunes have been outclassing a lot of dance producers in the innovation + perspiration stakes for a long time now, and I'm pretty sure that both of them are involved in one way or another in some of these tunes - for example Danja, who produced the Britney tune, is a Timbaland understudy who helped the master create tunes such as this
There's also a huge influence from chopped-and-screwed stuff - vocals are slowed down or pitched up fairly consistently, as well as being looped and reversed and (of course) autotuned/vocodered to fuckery. In fact, it strikes you listening to this mix that vocalists in this sort of RnB have become almost synthesised - as in, say, a Todd Edwards tune, vocal lines are as chopped up and manipulated as any other sample/synth might be, employed for textural or rhythmic purposes primarily. Of course this is what vocals always HAVE been employed for on some level, but this sort of music really brings that aspect to the fore.
The vocals on a lot of these tunes leave me a bit cold - I don't find them that memorable or emotionally engaging (in the case of the latter perhaps that's the point?). It fits with the ruthlessly functional (though mind-bendingly experimental and liberated) production, the massively expensive digitally enhanced videos etc... the dehumanised (anti)personalities of the singers/dancers. Actually, even leaving aside the Janet Jackson tune, the spectre (erk) of M.J. seems to hang over all of this music - M.J. the weird, almost mechanically precise dancer, with all those strange vocal tics and yelps and screeches. I know fuck all about RNB/soul music in general but perhaps Jackson's move from Motown soul to bizarro post-human POP was influential in dragging a large sector of the RNB world along with him?
Still, at least alongside all this Jacko had an unmistakable personality and passion/soulful quality, and extremely good songwriters crafting unforgettable melodies/choruses etc. His voice was so good, and the songwriters too, that he could convincingly sound like a horny sex-bomb when actually you wouldn't be all that surprised if the autopsy revealed him to have a Penis Pan between his legs (the willy that never grew/got up heh-heh-heh). Justin Timberlake doesn't of course have anything like the talent that Jacko did but a tune like 'Rock Your Body' absolutely slayed because the Neptunes production was matched by an extremely strong song (which was presumably written for Jacko himself and rejected?)
Anyway, the real stars of this show are behind the boards. Download the mix, it will blow your pants off (on a decent system - check the 808s on 'So Sick' and go from there). Incidentally, the sample source for 'So Much Better' is this
How very Kanye.
On a side note, my favourite commercial RNB vocalist (aside from Kels, obviously DUHH) is probably Ne-Yo, although that is only based on a few tunes like this one
which was produced by a Norweigan production duo called Stargate who used to make shite like 'One Love' by Blue and 'S Club Party'. On Dissensus the other day, somebody posted up this tune
I'm now not entirely sure if Stargate nicked a riddim and changed it for Ne-Yo, or vica versa. Perhaps I should ask. Big tune though.
and go to So Bones for the real knowledge innit
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
Hello Hello Hi. It's been a while so I thought I'd post up a trio of mixes that have been giving me brain erections over the last few weeks. Every time I listen to them in the office where I'm ''working'' I have to cross my ears over my skull just to hide the bulge. Failing that I just concentrate very hard on data entry and my brain begins to shrink to a manageable size - say, that of a tennis ball.
The mix I've been listening to the longest is Ben UFO's Fabric Promo Mix (right click and save). It's intesting that the kind of 'dubstep' Ben's playing nowadays is so percussively led that there isn't a very obvious point where he moves from stuff like Omar S and Karizma to Peverelist and Mala. It's all mixed up, and it BANGS the whole way through (not the way a porn-star bangs, more like the way Seal probably bangs if he's pissed). Worth a special mention are the tunes by James Blake and Joy Orbison - both fucking bootiful and full of happyweird vibes.
Greena - Maracay (Forthcoming Applepips)
Omar S - Busaru Beats (Sound Signature)
Aphrodisiax - Unfinished Business (Jus House)
Karizma - 33rd Street Anthem (Defected)
Unknown - Unknown (Unreleased)
Altered Natives - Rass Out (Fresh Minute)
Pearson Sound - Wad (Unreleased)
L-Vis 1990 - Hey! (Unreleased)
Brackles and Shortstuff - Sutorito Faita (Forthcoming Planet Mu)
Deep Cover Inc. - Deepin' Side [NYC dub mix] (FX)
Ramadanman - No Swing (Unreleased)
STP - The Fall [T++ remix] (Subsolo)
Peverelist - Teachings (Unreleased)
Shortstuff and Mickey Pearce - Tripped Up (Unreleased)
Untold - I Can't Stop This Feeling [Pangaea remix] (Unreleased)
Bump and Flex - Promises [Hardstep dub] (Urban Heat)
Untold vs. Tempz - Nextaconda (Unreleased)
Youngstar - Bongcat Riddem (White)
James Blake - Air and Lack Thereof (Unreleased)
Untold - Flexible (Unreleased) Ikonika - Unknown (Unreleased)
Mala - Hunter (DMZ)
Joy Orbison - Hyph Mngo (Unreleased
Next up is a mix by Alex Bok Bok for Lucky Me (right click save) which is, barring the most tasteful (but good) thing I've ever heard from Doneao, approx. an hour of veiny sausage meat riddims.
The tunes on this mix are nuts, I don't even know what genre a lot of them belong to - but it's in the area of funky/garage/dubstep/grime/soca/rave... Remember this post? All the mixes in this post wot I'm doing here mix up different genres, but there are also quite a few tunes in each mix which are spanning genres on their own - margin tunes which are forming a new and turbulent centre in this kind of mix.
Last but by no-fucking-means least is Untold's mix for Fact Magazine (Link HERE). In Blackdown's recent interview with him, Untold talks about how he is interested in combining cliches from various genres to see what will happen to them - 'mongrel' beats. You'll see what he means as soon as you hear this mix. His tunes feature recognisable synth/bass sounds from Grime/8-Bar, jungle, hardcore etc. placed together in rough harmony - and whether or not the combination always works, you can't deny the energy and excitement that such a scattergun approach provokes (to both the listener/dancer and the budding producer/DJ).
These tunes are mixed down perfectly well, and will no doubt devastate a dancefloor, but they don't sound at all slick or tasteful: you can see the joins. In this respect, they do justice to the references they make to early 90's hardcore music in using certain sounds in exhibiting a similar sort of 'chuck it in if it works' quality. I don't want to go overboard on the chin strokery analysis which the use of 'nuum' samples invites, because really the achievment of this music is to make you twitch around in your chair like a human hamburger leaving death row.
Generally speaking, this is raw and 'shallow' music. There's not much depth (there's no room for it - it's surface orientated, sounds jostling for position... it's too ADD also - warping, pitch-eluding synths, rhythm evading drums and almost childish: ecstactic, restless, joyful... emotions as unambiguous as in rave music...)... but who cares? It's rave music. Dance music. It's fun music, not po-faced: but not a joke either. Being taken away from genre, from specific places, is a double edged sword - certain things are lost but the focus becomes more about the sounds: how they're used, how they can be clashed and mashed together etc. And the lack of deference to generic rules results in things you haven't heard a hundred times before (if you're me, at least).
I've clearly got too much thought on my brain.
That Roska RMX is raw, and his remix of Neighbourhood (see HERE) sounds even better.
Sunday, 7 June 2009
Monday, 18 May 2009
Friday, 15 May 2009
Summer 2009 anthem business. Hardly excloose but I needed reminding myself.
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
Thursday, 30 April 2009
Big up D-Bridge, single-handedly sustaining Corpsey's flagging interest in DNB (apparently that's what he was shooting for when he started making music). This is a bit like a sequel to 'Last Straw', which I also love. D-Bridge's voice is growing on me slowly but surely, like flowers in a cow pat, and I think vocal anthems are much needed in DNB and other styles of electronic/dance music. I was listening to a Hacienda Classics mix today and almost every track has at least some vocal business going on. Bring back the euphoric pop/soul aspect, that's what I type. Think of all the decent-but-boring dubstep/DNB tunes over the last few years that would be immeasureably improved by a decent vocal.
The beat on this tune is so bluesy and melancholy, it's one of those instrumentals which you could sing almost anything (in key) over to great effect. Strangely enough I'm not feeling 'Wonder Where' by D-Bridge (which nuff other man are jizzing their pants over) at all - I'm not sure if it's the vocal or the fairly (to my ears) insipid beat... It probably is the vocal, though - it's the vocal that puts me off Skream's LaRoux remix (again, almost uniformly jizzed over currently). Ironically, although I'd like to hear more vocals in dance music, I have to admit that a vocal can really ruin a tune for me sometimes. When it comes off, though -
Interestingly, I notice both these tunes have a similarly tough, bluesy/dub quality to them to the D-Bridge tune. I wonder if a genuinely euphoric vocal anthem is possible in dubstep? Probably has already happened and I've been listening to Gregorian chanting in a hut on a hilltop or something. I've just remembered that 2562's remix of 'Brother' by Patti Blingh is very probably my favourite tune by him. 2562 often gets (somewhat unfairly IMO) accused of making 'cold' clinical music, but that tune has a lot of warmth, and I think the vocal brings that out quite a bit. And can't forget Burial, of course - his best tunes use vocal snippets to amazing effect.
Speaking of vocals, here's a mix that el gato put me onto of 4X4 vocal garage which is absolutely the main thing keeping me from snogging a pig right now. Tracklist is as follows:
01. Antonio - Take Me - 1998/Fifty First
Thursday, 16 April 2009
Go HERE for audio of me-old-mucker's forthcoming release on Mu. Personally I think LHC is the best Brackles tune released so far, a perfect balance between robust low end and hyperactive synth displays. The Street-Fighter sampling b-side, made with me-other-old-mucker, is also on some Ritalin-scarcity steezity and is also rinsin'.
Also getting a release soon is this effing monster courtesy of Keysound...
At the moment I'm inclining towards giving up on buying dubstep on vinyl and switching to house and garage, so it's annoying but encouraging to see releases that insist on dragging me back in.
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
Friday, 3 April 2009
Do the right thing.
Now with tracklist:
Martin Kemp - Bowzer
Kode 9 - Black Sun
N.B Funky - Riddim Box
Mickey Pearce - Innami
Fingaprint - The Print (Roska Remix)
Martin Kemp - ???
Princess - Frontline
Martin Kemp - No Charisma
Pearson Sound - Wad
Greena - Actual Pain
Mickey Pearce - Trippin
Roska - Elevated Levels
Joe - Rut
Geiom - No More Tears
Brackles - Rawkus
Royal T - 1UP
Brackles - Getajob
Zomby - Rumours and Revelations
Untold - Anaconda
Desto - Disappearing Reappearing Ink
Joker - Digidesign
Ikonika - Sahara Michael
Zomby vs Dizzee - Stand up Aquafresh
Joker and Ginz - Purple City
Dem 2 - Baby You're So Sexy
Deetah - Relax (Bump n Flex remix)
Hakan Lidbo - Walk Away (Todd Edwards Remix)
El-B - Express
M Dubs - For Real
United Grooves Collective Feat Shelly - Glad u Came to me (Steve Gurley
ALL MJ COLE SESSION
Angel Lee - What's your name (MJ Cole Remix)
MJ Cole - Flavour Fever
Maxee - When I look into your eyes (MJ Cole Remix)
Jill Scott - Gettin in the way (MJ Cole Remix)
Dub Syndicate - I Need Your Love (MJ Cole Remix)
Box Clever feat Elizabeth Troy - Treat Me Right
Nitin Sawhney - Sunset (MJ Cole Remix)
As expected, absolutely nutso selection. Special mentions to Pearson Sound, Greena and Martin Kemp tunes all absolutely thetitsontoast material...
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Monday, 30 March 2009
Life is the lesson that keeps on teaching, ain't it just? For example, this weekend I learnt that I love drinking the above two drinks, but when combined with that stuff wot is ruining dubstep first and foremost but also my tenuous grip on a concrete notion of my personal identity it makes you/ME think you've/I'VE shat your/MY pants. Actually, I might also have my boxer shorts to blame for this, as I am unable to wear them without the waist-band being sucked into my arse-crack like a taut gull into a musty jet-engine.
On the journey to and from Bristol I listened to most of Blackdown and Dusk's latest show on Rinse. There's enough good stuff on there to make a perpetually moaning phantom-rectal-sick suffering corpsealike feel like a spare prick at a fat-lady skewering, including a dirty Terror Danjah tune with Badness making the words 'Ipod Shuffle' sound like 'I'm going to tear your balls off' and a tune by ''VVV'' which is (press release)like Burial - ON SLOW-RELEASING MDMA!(/pressrelease)... The highlight for me has to be an untitled tune by Peverelist - it's got that tight-lassoo of a groove, slightly off-kilter + sub bombardment thing that 'The Bluez' has, it's almost like a reversioning of it - except when it starts developing a few minutes into it and these quietly fucking EPIC strings start coming in.... wowzers.
Speaking of Pev, I went into Rooted records on Sunday and picked up a couple of tunes. It's a great shop - a selection of second hand garage/jungle, plentiful listening posts and staff who don't make you feel like your tongue must be hanging over your bottom lip and your crotch must be stained yellow to even CONSIDER buying THAT. (which reminds me). I bought a couple of dubstep bits (D1- Missing on Tempa is so grimey it splits some sort of mental heymy), the surprise killer is this one:
Wobble - check. Reverbed SFX- check. General repetition of same idea - check. But still, how can you argue with it? It drops like a pissed up carpet bomb. I also picked up this:
but didn't pick up this (which I'm kicking myself for now)
While I was waiting for the train from Bristol to Bath on Saturday, freezing my hands off and wishing I was lying in bed with a pillow as far up my nose as my boxer shorts were up my guts, I listened to THIS Karizma mix I got off someone on Dissensus. It's about three hours long and the first hour that I've listened to is supoib - a nice healthy mixture of soulful MAW style US garage stuff and stripped back percussive tribal-y stuff, with a touch of psychadelic synths etc. You can hear the touchstones of inspiration for a lot of UK funky in this stuff.
Brackles smashed up Crazy Legs, shouts also to Cooly G (who I could just about able to hear over the MC), Thinking, who played some nice garage/broken/funky to warm things up and Mak 10, who played when I was at my optimum pissitude level - it was all hard as fuck drum lashings, as far as I recall.
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
Watch GrizzlyMan_01 in Entertainment View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com
The other four parts can be found on THIS page at the side.
I saw the end of this last night and it made me want to claw my own head open for the sweet honey inside. In a good way. It's about a man who lived in the wild with Grizzly Bears for years and years, started seeing the bears as his friends and humans as his enemy, and ended up getting killed and eaten by a bear along with his girlfriend who he'd dragged with him into the wilderness. Good cheery stuff, then.
Sunday, 22 March 2009
Lost - Iron Hide - Dub
MJ Cole - Sincere : M.A.W. - To Be in Love (MJ Mix) : Mariah Carey - Loverboy (MJ Mix) : Shaun Escofferey - Spacerider (MJ Mix) : MJ Cole - Watertight (Will Phillips Remix) : Breakbeat Era - Bulletproof (MJ Mix) : 2 as 1 & MJ Cole - Too Blind : Ramsey & Fen & MJ Cole - Style : Gass - Dark (MJ Mix) : Lamb - Gabriel (MJ Dub) : Box Clever - Treat Me Right : MJ Cole - Never Say Never : Nitin Sawhney - Sunset (MJ Mix) : 3rd Core - Mindless & Broken (MJ Mix) : Goldie - Believe (MJ Mix)
Boogie woogie. Go HERE for more UKG mixes from hardreset...
I’m guessing a lot of you have seen this hilarious advert for road safety on TV recently. I think the basic message is ‘if you’re out driving, don’t take the crumpled and fractured corpse of the kid you hit last year with you because you’ll probably get distracted by it and crash into a lamp-post or something’.
Truly, this is the comic double act for our post-PC age! As you can see in this advert, the corpse is very much the Joker in the pack, while the terminally depressed suburban dad is the ‘straight-man’, reacting with side-splitting expressions of grumpy dismay every time the irrepressible pile of shattered bones and lacerated pink skin manages to appear in the most inconvenient of places.
Oh look! There he is - causing a stink up in the office! Goodness me! Who’s that making sure he brushes his teeth properly, even though he’s all grown up? Uh ohhhh! Who’s about to appear inside the fudge-cake at his son’s third birthday party?! This is the best ‘comedy of embarrassment’ since that thirty-second clip Ricky Gervais made for Comic Relief where he called a black man in a wheelchair a ‘nig-nog crip-spaz’ (LMAO).
Like ‘The Office’, this advert brings comedy right into the arena of the everyday. We can all relate to it – who amongst us hasn’t looked under the desk when we were about to masturbate to some hardcore pornography, only to find a dead child staring at us, putting us off our stroke? Certainly not me, and I’m usually quite conscientious about cleaning up after myself!!!
One is reminded of such classic knockabout duos as Del Boy and Rodney and Steptoe and Son, when enjoying this depiction of a couple of blokes, hard up on their luck, one of whom is being constantly dragged away from success and happiness by the other. You might say there is even something a little tragic about it, something which adds a note of melancholy to our relentless guffaws and splutters.
Given that British comedy is in a terrible state at the moment, with Horden and Corno attracting appalling reviews and nose-diving ratings and Mock the Week still being Mock the Week, wouldn’t it be wise for some savvy TV commissioner out there to take this brilliant partnership and give them a 6 episode sitcom or sketch-show? I propose that the title be something snappy – but witty - like ‘Alfred and the Dead Boy’.
Just think of all the scrapes these two could get into! For example, Alfred has to go on a double date with his boss’s daughter and her mate, but all his non-dead and adult mates are all busy – cue Alfred, smiling through gritted teeth as he props up the Dead Boy’s tuxedo clad corpse with a wooden spoon, and throws his voice to make it seem as if the Dead Boy really fancies both the girls. There is a hilarious moment when the Dead Boy falls face first into one of the girls’ bowl of soup, BUT IT ONLY TURNS THEM ON MORE! "I love a man with a strong stomach!" she coos, biting her lip, which is a source of rich amusement for the audience, who know that Dead Boy actually hasn’t got a stomach, or a liver, or teeth, or at least 74% of his reproductive organs! At this point, Alfred tugs his collar and grimaces as if to say ''Crikey o riley!''.
Another scene would see Alfred playing five a side football with his mates and their kids, and doing pretty well in the process. Only problem is, one of the kids hurts their ankle doing a sliding tackle and Alfred’s team is down one player! Luckily, Alfred knows just who he can stick in goal to keep a clean sheet… that is, unless you throw said sheet over his multiple exhaust pipe lacerations!
The possibilities are endless – Dead Boy the draft excluder, Dead Boy wins 50 quid for Alfred at the Human Statue contest, Dead Boy’s rigor mortis strengthened forelimbs used to carnally satisfy Alfred’s disconsolate wife! As you can see, Alfred often could use the Dead Boy to his advantage, but obviously there would be a lot of episodes where Dead Boy turned up at precisely the wrong moment as well – spread eagled atop Alfred’s face as he’s trying to conceive another child, for example, or on top of the lectern when he’s making an important speech at his company.
I can see no possible objection to this idea, except perhaps that it’s ‘unrealistic’. Well, you know what? I think that the manager of a hotel being incredibly rude to his guests and openly slurring the nationality of a group of Germans a bit ‘unrealistic’ too! Enough said!
Friday, 20 March 2009
I was going to draw up a list of why Snoop Dogg is one of my favourite people in the world but then I thought I'll just post up this video which everyone's seen a thousand times before.
2. He can spell his own name out and hardly ever gets it wrong.
3. DON'T DRINK + DRIVE SMOKE A SPLIFF AND FLY!!! TAKE ME 2 YOUR DEALER!! etc
He should really have vocalled 'Digidesign' or something.
''Nah nah nah nah/Nah nah nah nah/Hey hey hey/Snoop Dogg...''
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
There - isn't that better?
3. I'd like to see more flair in terms of camework and direction - at the moment the medium is crushingly uninventive. Sure, we have POV porn, but its always from the POV of the party who is receiving oral and giving penetrative sex. By simply taping a cow's tongue to the lens of a camera, the effect of performing cunnulingus on a 28 year old cheerleader with a triple-pierced clitoris and genital warts could be brought right into the viewer's home!
Even this seems too conventional to me - why is there no POV porn which takes the POV of a blue-bottle fly, trapped between an ornamental vase and a window pane in the adjacent room to an interracial gang-bang? How about the POV of a merciful God, looking down on a nun-on-nun fisting orgy with tears in his orbic eyes (the effect could be supplied by spraying a water-hose onto the camera lens and having Brian Blessed sing 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful' over the top of it)?
4. There really aren't enough special effects in most pornos. Everybody knows that special effects are the most entertaining aspect of any film, because they make us wonder what divine power resides in man's mortal frame - see: E.T. moving, Heath Ledger appearing to be alive in 'The Dark Knight'. There should be more giant computer-generated robot-cars in porn films, not to mention more exploding hovercrafts. Perhaps, to give one example, there could be a short film involving Jena Jameson kneeling in the middle of a computer-generated robot-car circle jerk, and when one of the computer generated robot-cars ejaculates, he misses her mouth and manages to blow up a hovercraft. This would also be funny, and true.
5. More audience interactivity. I'm thinking along the lines of the Reality TV phenomenon, which has made watching television more exciting and cognitively edifying than ever before! Why not have a voting system, whereby the ugliest women and most pathetically endowed men are routinely escorted from a jacuzzi-based bubble-buggering and forced to bob for used dildos in a gigantic paddling pool full of torn condoms and baby-oil? Why not, indeed?
Remember, the audience is not only always right, it is also always morally irreproachable.
6. This is similar to point 2, but relates to dialogue. Why oh why do we have to endure the same old 'Fuck me harder1 oo yeah, you like this wet little pussy don't you, dadd- I mean, STEP-daddy?' 'yeah baby-cakes, I'm fucking you in that pussy, you like that in your little tight faintly disturbing hint of prebuscently miniscule pussy don't you, sugar dove?' spiel, when there are such beautiful and fascinating things that could be talked about? I for one would like to see porn stars discussing Aristotle's poetics and the redemptive power of filial piety in our post-modern world, preferably while sitting on each other's fingers and stuffing their mouths with dicks.
Basically, imagine Question Time but with a slop-bucket instead of a table.
Porn really doesn't have to revolve around sex, you know.
7. I may be going out on a limb here, but couldn't more porn involve the strangulation and dismemberment of a live monkey at its climax?
I dunno, call me eccentric if you will, but I think that would really add some pizazz to proceedings. Also, if this WAS included, I might finally be able to squeeze off a table-spoon of baby-cream and leave my house.
It's just thoughts.
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
There are some things, my friends, that can be counted on to occur with the regularity of the ticking of the Greenwich clock – the delivery of a pint of skimmed outside my cottage every morning, the steady erosion of our civil liberties by a bunch of Islamist fanatics who should be locked up and detonated, and another Premiership title for those boys in United Red!
But one thing seems to occur with even more regularity than the ticking of the Greenwich clock. No sooner has the little hand covered half the distance of a second before another unhinged Lanky Yanky Goth sprays up his classroom with an UZI before the donut-guzzling boys in blue can wipe the jelly off their fingers and get on with filling him full of brass.
In the case of last weeks tragic BLOODBATH in Germany, the tragedy was further compounded by the fact that the Lanky Yanky Goth was in this particular case a Speccy Kraut who should have known better.
Now, I now what you’re saying, dear readers! "Leave it out, Stu! Why, it was only about 50 years ago that those crazy sausage-botherers were trying to bomb us to bits in order to build a big bank on top of our green and pleasant, not to mention being intent on serving up Half-sack Hitler a big POLISH PEOPLE PIE for his diabolical din dins– don’t you remember the FUHRORE around it?"
Well, of course I do! But times have changed. We have to let bygones be bygones. I say the Krauts are alright. After all, what other country lets you drive a steady Tonne PLUS down their main motorway without calling out the rozzers on you?
The Germans are more laid-back than the whore-mongering Dutch nowadays, as any Lederhosen clad, cheery-faced beer-swilling Hun will happily tell you (in pretty good English, too!). And a bloody good thing too, in this writer’s humble opinion!
Which fact makes last weeks GUN JAMBOREE in a German super-Schule particularly confusing and tragic. It seems that the once ruthlessly efficient Deutsch have succumbed a little too much to the Bacchanalian uproar of their nearest neighbours on the continent, and are beginning to let things go up the shoot and out of the hand!
On first glance, KAISER SKILLEDAIM Tim Kretschmer doesn’t strike you as being a potential KILLJOY. He wears glasses and a buttoned up shirt. This neat young man looks a thousand miles away from the HOOD AND SNEAKERS clad yobbos that we are familiar with over here, and his skin is as white as snow!
This cherubic fawn was a keen table-tennis player, and had a rich and industrious Vater. Surely, you must be thinking, this respectable old cove had the good manners, hardened Protestant work ethic and intellectual prowess that would have marked him out for a career in one of his Reich’s Bankplatzes? Isn’t this the face of Germany’s 21st Century UBERFOLK?
But Ah, my Friends! Appearances can be deceptive (except in the case of Hoodies and Islamists, who don’t have the decency to disguise themselves, of course!), and in this case OLD UNCLE FRITZ was pulling a fast one the likes of which hasn’t been seen since ORIBBLE ITLER told Lord Churchill he was "just looking after" the REINLAND for "ein friend"!
Kretschmer was a noodle-head! A dunderwit, a dumbkopf, ein DOLT! This was a German who couldn’t count how many sausages are in a string! Not only did he leave school at the age of 17, when most Germans should be doing PHDs in Astrochemical Engineering and Physics, but several other facts have since come to light which put the KOSH on BOSH educational standards!
- Kretschmer promised on an internet chat-room that he would murder "at least 10" of his former classmates. In the event of it, the poor pea-brain actually copper-clobbered only NINE of them.
In a suicidal weepy note Kretschmer gave to his parents before the PLAYGROUND-PUTSCH, he wrote: "I am alone and disloved in a cruel wurld" (spelling mistakes translated as best as can be).
- Police who searched the crime-scene in the AFTERBLOODBATHAFTERMATH discovered that several of the potential victims of Kretschmer’s BLUT-LOOST had not done their homework.
Now, I’m not saying that Kretschmer’s school-teachers are entirely to blame for what happened. Other factors – such as violent video games which taught Kretschmer how a gun is operated by pressing the trigger down to make death come out of it – are certainly worth considering (and then discarding!).
But should all of this really be happening in a German school, and in a middle class area?
I mean, look at how organised this lot are! You wouldn't find any of these Jerries telling their teacher ''MEIN DOG ETZEN IT!''
Could it not be time to dust off that IRON FIST, MEIN KOMRADES? I humbly suggest the construction of a multitude of bullet-proof BERLIN WALLS around the uncommonly stupid and/or brown pupils as a first measure of protection, followed by the implementation of a strong political leader who can tackle both the threat of over-relaxation and economic turmoil.
Furthermore, after Police revealed this week that Kretschmer fired over 40 shots without hitting a single person during the rampage, I suggest that all intelligent and industrious pupils attending German schools are given compulsory light arms training and instruction in the correct wiring of explosives.
You know it makes sentzen.