Remember

Tomorrow is April Fool's day!

Your Dad: Tell him you're gay and want a sex change and see if the love behind his eyes flickers and dies like a candle in a car wash. If it does, see if it stays snuffed when you shout ''APRIL FOO-OOLS!''

Your Mum: Tell her you'd like to spend that evening hanging out with her, helping her cook and watching Atonement on DVD. Then shout ''APRIL FOO-OOLS!'', grab the pringles from the cupboard and go upstairs to your room and shut the door so you can peacefully spend the entire day and night alone, wanking over the sex scene in Atonement on DVD.

Your Girl/Boyfriend:
Either tell them you love them or love someone else. If it's ''I Love You'' make it sound extremely sincere, both when you tell them it and when you scream ''APRIL FOO-OOLS!'' If it's ''I love someone else'' make it sound sincere for that bit but say the next bit like ''April... fools?'' You've obeyed the rules that way, and you've had a whale of time playing with someone's concept of reality! They will enjoy it too- for if we did not feel pain would we truly know what pleasure is?

Corpsey: Call him a cunt and then delay the ''APRIL FOO-OOLS!'' indefinitely.

J Rolla Is A Badman

YOU SEE? DUBSTEP CAN BE GOOD!

I know everyone else has been on it since 2001 but the Villalobos mix of Blood on my Hands is some next level thing.

I must reemphasise that this is the best dubstep mix I've downloaded in a long time, maybe ever. So download it you dicks.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=E1Q9221R
(type the 3 letter code into the box & wait 45 seconds for the link)

[74 mins, 68 meg]

01: benge - bambie
02: fat freddy's drop - cay's crays (digital mystikz version)
03: shackleton - blood on my hands (ricardo villalobos mix part 2)
04: pole steingarten - achterbahn (shackleton remix)
05: hawerchuk - camel toe
06: simian mobile disco - hustler (shackleton remix)
07: conquest - forever
08: peverelist - roll with the punches
09: martin buttrich - well done (headhunter remix)
10: toastyboy - skinny
11: warlock - copy of a copy
12: elemental - sparkle
13: burial - south london boroughs
14: pinch - airlock
15: martyn - twenty four
16: ital tek - shallow sun
17: deep alpha - all think (kode 9 alphadub)
18: boxcutter - brood
19: loefah - it's yours
20: vessel - sticker

TOP SHIT I'VE LISTENED TO TODAY

Martyn@Medium- EL-B AMAZON + BROKEN HEART RMX

Toasty Boy- Splash

Coldcut- Rubaiyat (Carl Craig RMX)

Kool Keith + Scaramanga- So Intelligent (AND EVERYTHING ELSE OFF SOUNDBOMBING 1)

Mobb Deep- Shook Ones Pt 1 (THORO!)

A Bit of Stewart Lee

Part 1



Part 2

The Daily Terror Inventory

08:30am - My eyes tussle beneath their locked lids, like squabbling dogs locked in tupperware lunchboxes, as the dream I've been having about giving messy oral sex to Beyonce Knowles since 8:15am culminates in extreme Terror as her taut teabag twat tears at the centre to make way for Sean 'Jay-Z' Carter's Mike-Oldfield-Tubular-Bell-Swinger, dribbling molten platinum over my shuddering, reedy tongue, fashioning it into a piece of Swiss Ham which, when I drape it with palsied fingers over her Borrow-Burger clitoris, escapes its diameter like a marble falling through a basketball hoop. I wake up screaming, clutching at the clammy clutch of my genitalia and, almost immediately, detecting the smell of extra-curricular sweat. An awful smell, hanging in the air like a bad smell.

08:31am- I look over at my alarm clock, raw Terror falling unto my brain with each tumbling tick of its long, red, Jay-Z's-Cock-Like second-hand.

09:11am- Halfway down the street, as I am telling myself that today will be The New Day on which I will stop putting things off to the last minute and will never sweat again, I realise that the bus I need to catch is arriving at the last minute and sweat begins to geyser from my armpits, psychological-vaseline, lubricating me for my ease of passage into the zone of dog-like Terror. I run for the bus, noticing as I do that my shins are bending like the big stick that arechetypal Woman flexes above me in my daymares, ready to slide lithely down the dangling shaft of penitude that crumbles amongst the undergrowth of mein undergarments. In a blinding flash of Terror, I give the bus driver 3.90 when I only owe him 3.80. Stumbling over a mumbling of 'Oh sorry mate, I'll just uh... I'll just uh', I eventually manage to excavate a ten pence piece from the blackbird's pile beneath my face, and as I sit down in my seat I drop it on the floor, it issues its high report remorselessly above the clamour of confident conversation that resides in this bustling bus and I face, regretful and Terrorful, the face of a somewhat scornful old man in a faded green cagoule. ''He knows'' I think. He's been around for at least 60 years. He's probably been around as long as the Channel 4 news. Longer, even. He's seen enough to know that if a young childe drops a 10p piece on a floor instead of on a wallet, that young childe will not lost as long as him. Will not last as long, even, as Justin Lee Collins' tolerability in the eyes of the general public.

And in that moment I feel a sheer Terror which nobody on public transport in England can ever feel, or has ever felt, I shouldn't wonder. It is the Terror that comes from knowing that your condition, your confidence and very identity, is conditional, a confidence trick, pathetically identifiable.

NEXT: The Terror of knowing that you need to do a big shit as soon as you get into the office but if you do then you will use up that toilet break which you need in about an hour to stop yourself trying to fit the material of the computer monitor in front of you into your eyes with your bare fists.

AND MORE! Probably.

Surgeon Mix

http://electronicexplorations.org/the-show/week-014-surgeon/

Week 014 - Surgeon

The Show March 1st, 2008

Electronic Explorations - 014 - Surgeon [89:59m]: Hide Player | Play in Popup | Download

(01) - Andy Stott - Choke - [Modern Love]

(02) - The Third Man - A14 (Eastbound) - [AI Records]

(03) - Surgeon - Kroutrock - [Tresor]

(04) - DJ Shiva + Alien Pimp - Persona Non Grata - [Shutdown Audio]

(05) - Pinch - 136 Trek - [Punch Drunk]

(06) - Benga - 26 Basslines - [Tempa]

(07) - Quark - Point of Seeing - [dubplate]

(08) - British Murder Boys - Dont Give Way To Fear EP - Untitled - [Counterbalance]

(09) - British Murder Boys - Fist - [Downwards]

(10) - Moving Ninja - Uranium - [Tectonic]

(11) - Shackleton - Death Is Not Final Ft Vengeance Tenford - [Skull Disco]

—————-

Surgeon - Exclusive to electronicexplorations.org

Martyn - Broken - [Revolver]
Breakage - Clarendon - [Digital Soundboy]
Radial - Fat Van Dale
Distance - Feel Me - [CHESTPLATE]
Ancient Methods - First Method b1 Untitles - [Ancient Methods]
British Murder Boys - Be Like I Am - [Counterbalance]
Dr Evil - Ritual
Starkey - Stripped / Gutted (DJ C remix) - [DEAD HOMIES]
STL - Secret Place
Robert Babicz - Prism - [Audiomatique Recordings]
Wireman - Axiom - [myspace.com/iamwireman]

^ out to Kris on DNBA for this one ^

Yes Sir No Sir Three Bags Full Sir

^ GHETTO- COMMANDMENTS ^

It's alittle abit alot.

Note To Self

Stop writing such crap on this blog. The standard has been set, and it's miserably low.

Colin Jackson didn't get anywhere leapfrogging tooth-picks, you know.

Yes you are the Colin Jackson of blogging.