Remember

Tomorrow is April Fool's day!

Your Dad: Tell him you're gay and want a sex change and see if the love behind his eyes flickers and dies like a candle in a car wash. If it does, see if it stays snuffed when you shout ''APRIL FOO-OOLS!''

Your Mum: Tell her you'd like to spend that evening hanging out with her, helping her cook and watching Atonement on DVD. Then shout ''APRIL FOO-OOLS!'', grab the pringles from the cupboard and go upstairs to your room and shut the door so you can peacefully spend the entire day and night alone, wanking over the sex scene in Atonement on DVD.

Your Girl/Boyfriend:
Either tell them you love them or love someone else. If it's ''I Love You'' make it sound extremely sincere, both when you tell them it and when you scream ''APRIL FOO-OOLS!'' If it's ''I love someone else'' make it sound sincere for that bit but say the next bit like ''April... fools?'' You've obeyed the rules that way, and you've had a whale of time playing with someone's concept of reality! They will enjoy it too- for if we did not feel pain would we truly know what pleasure is?

Corpsey: Call him a cunt and then delay the ''APRIL FOO-OOLS!'' indefinitely.