Aciiiiiiiiiied Jazzzzzzzzz

I went to Egypt about six-seven years ago and got a load of pirate CDs from a shop with black and white photocopied covers. One of them was a CD called 'Acid Jazz'. I still listen to it pretty regularly. Missing two tunes here - ''Black & Brown - Never Be There'' and ''Queen Latifah - How Do I Love Thee''. But you don't know that.

More Ossie/Petchy

Ossie - Ossie Baba (Video) from Bedroom 26 Music on Vimeo.

Another Ossie tune, I think I might like this even more than 'Tarantula'. The synth's remind me a bit of Dam Funk - laid back and somehow wistful. The drums are amazing - clattering, full of percussive switch-ups. And the video is great too - personally I dance to this tune by doing a spinning headstand with my legs pumping in and out at a rate of 1 pump per second, but not everybody's got my skillz.

While I'm here:



This lineup is crazy - I would pay top dolla just to see Omar S and Petchy + Topsee alone. Will be a strange combination, though.

Facebook page HERE.

Vocal Supporter

Great tune this - crisp, light percussion and brilliant synth work. HERE's Ossie's Facebook Fan page.



Ill Blu are one of Tim F's favourite UK Funky outfits (see Tim's fantastic blog HERE for probably the best writing on UK Funky on the net), and here they are proving their worth by making me like something coming out of Cheryl Cole's mouth for about five minutes. Huge piano chords in the chorus really push it into anthem territory but all the little squiggly tricks and pumping carnival drums also contribute to the sense of being tied to a carousel and forced to eat MDMA laced candyfloss by Cherl Cole, who keeps pushing your lips together with her leather-gloved hands and telling you ''Don't tell anybody you saw me laughing at the disabled choir girl snivelling on X Factor last night'' with her fingers laced around your neck. ''You're GOING to catch me if I fall, and if you don't I'm going to stamp on your nuts.'' That kind of thing.

I've been listening to certain UK Funky mixtapes lately and I particularly love the vocal tunes on them - which to some ears may sound offensively bland/nice. But fuck you all, you're just trying to drag me down to your drizzly shopping centre level so I have to listen to 'gritty' techno all day and grow a beard. I'm going to wear a nice shirt and try and force down some wine.













Lately I've been really seeing dance music much more in terms of big hooks and vocals than any particular concern with rhythmic intricacy or experimental textures (not that there's anything wrong with that). HERE's a link to a mix Jackmaster did recently of some of his favourite 90's commercial house tunes which helps to emphasise this side of things. I suppose there'd be more vocals in electronic music if so much of it wasn't made by guys sitting in their bedrooms. The vocals on the DJ Gib Maximum Old Skool 3 mix (which I think I've posted here before, might do a repost though I can never explain how much I love it) is absolutely MADE by the vocals, too.



On this tune, for example, the piano, strings and crunchy drums are all great but without that ''You are on my mind. You are on my mind. You - you - YOUUUUUUUU'' what would it be? Not as much, that's what it would be.



I fucking love this too. I've got a pessimist's sentimental eye for upbeat tunes - they make me feel quite sad, like watching a duck attempting to run away from a tiger on Wildlife on One.

Here's another great vocal tune:



In a more or less unrelated note:



Big RNB tune produced by Timbaland protege The Dream. One of the guys on it doing a knock off of R Kelly without any of the lyrical wit (I mean 'wit' as in when Oscar Wilde told a girl he was going to 'Make her something saucy' when she came round his for dinner and winked at her about five times before sticking the ladle up her box) - but the beat is great and the hook is impossible to resist.

Hopefully soon will be blogging about my other recent obsession - Theo Parrish (and Omar S/Kyle Hall). Won't that be grand?

A Compendium of Modern Misery Part 1

- Being stabbed in the guts by a paranoid schizophrenic with a headphone on, which you took to be a hands-free phone but was in fact pumping the Teletubbies theme song endlessly into their contorted brain.

- Looking up from the sink having finished shaving, expecting to see a chiseled and tanned hunk with a beautiful woman draped over your seven inch thick shoulder blade, and finding instead the face of the sort of person of whom it could be said that to shave the face of is what they are is roughly analogous to polishing a turd with a j-cloth.

- Receiving a call from God on your mobile phone and missing it. And the message left on the screen is ''Number and Infinite Capacity for Forgiveness and Love Witheld.''

- Being propositioned in a bar by somebody who is old enough (by national mean standard) to be your dad, even though that person is a 10 year old virgin who likes riding his bike and eating crisps.

- Having one of those 'moments' while walking down a street when you realise the ultimate futility of existence in the abscence of a deific designing consciousness, causing you to stop short, sigh and almost give in to the overwhelming desire to shit yourself just to see if the sky might (hopefully) cave in. And you know somebody's watching you, but it's a security guard called Graham who doesn't care about your spiritual dilemma a whit because you haven't got big tits or a burkha on.

- Being plagued constantly by the conviction that somebody, somewhere, is having a better time than you. Then switching on TV and seeing that there is definitely such a person, even though that person is Simon Cowell.

- Being gang-raped, you quickly realise that, due to overpopulation and the alienating effects of communication technology, the gang that's raping you probably don't even really like each other and would probably prefer to just be raping a pixellated version of you at home on their Xbox.

- Having taken three viagra pills, you still lose your erection when you have a dog's vagina draped in your face. You grasp at last the meagre limitations of your sexuality and by extension freedom of identity.

- Having eaten 36 of the brand new ''Gob-Stopper'' baguette from Subway, you realise that they will probably never invent ANYTHING that can fill the gaping void that lies in the centre of your soul, and even if they do you will probably want to excrete your soul as quickly as possible as soon as the filling is complete.

- With the miracle of DVD, you can now easily access every one of Robert DeNeiro's films. Never before have you been able to literally watch the physical and spiritual deterioration of a man who steadily loses all his talent and becomes a craven parody of himself over the course of forty years in one week.

- When presented with a photo of a bloody massacre you are compelled to think: ''That's just ketchup, though, isn't it?'' and ''Those limbs are probably just rubber sticks.''


- You google your own name on the internet and find that the only result is a positive testing for HIV, which is the first you've heard of it. You ring up your Doctor and it turns out he emailed you about it, but it went directly into the spam folder because it contained a warning to ''never get your penis hard again''.

- You went into HMV to look for an HBO boxset, and found out that there is now a boxset of all the times you ever wet yourself as a child, with extras including a derisive audio commentary recorded by that girl you really fancy.

- You begin to cry outside the funeral of a loved one and your soul is scorched with an excoriating flame of utmost desolation - then someone walks past, points at you and says ''Fucking Emo.''