Badly thought out way to get the bad thoughts out.

Sunday, 9 May 2010

A Compendium of Modern Misery Part 1

- Being stabbed in the guts by a paranoid schizophrenic with a headphone on, which you took to be a hands-free phone but was in fact pumping the Teletubbies theme song endlessly into their contorted brain.

- Looking up from the sink having finished shaving, expecting to see a chiseled and tanned hunk with a beautiful woman draped over your seven inch thick shoulder blade, and finding instead the face of the sort of person of whom it could be said that to shave the face of is what they are is roughly analogous to polishing a turd with a j-cloth.

- Receiving a call from God on your mobile phone and missing it. And the message left on the screen is ''Number and Infinite Capacity for Forgiveness and Love Witheld.''

- Being propositioned in a bar by somebody who is old enough (by national mean standard) to be your dad, even though that person is a 10 year old virgin who likes riding his bike and eating crisps.

- Having one of those 'moments' while walking down a street when you realise the ultimate futility of existence in the abscence of a deific designing consciousness, causing you to stop short, sigh and almost give in to the overwhelming desire to shit yourself just to see if the sky might (hopefully) cave in. And you know somebody's watching you, but it's a security guard called Graham who doesn't care about your spiritual dilemma a whit because you haven't got big tits or a burkha on.

- Being plagued constantly by the conviction that somebody, somewhere, is having a better time than you. Then switching on TV and seeing that there is definitely such a person, even though that person is Simon Cowell.

- Being gang-raped, you quickly realise that, due to overpopulation and the alienating effects of communication technology, the gang that's raping you probably don't even really like each other and would probably prefer to just be raping a pixellated version of you at home on their Xbox.

- Having taken three viagra pills, you still lose your erection when you have a dog's vagina draped in your face. You grasp at last the meagre limitations of your sexuality and by extension freedom of identity.

- Having eaten 36 of the brand new ''Gob-Stopper'' baguette from Subway, you realise that they will probably never invent ANYTHING that can fill the gaping void that lies in the centre of your soul, and even if they do you will probably want to excrete your soul as quickly as possible as soon as the filling is complete.

- With the miracle of DVD, you can now easily access every one of Robert DeNeiro's films. Never before have you been able to literally watch the physical and spiritual deterioration of a man who steadily loses all his talent and becomes a craven parody of himself over the course of forty years in one week.

- When presented with a photo of a bloody massacre you are compelled to think: ''That's just ketchup, though, isn't it?'' and ''Those limbs are probably just rubber sticks.''

- You google your own name on the internet and find that the only result is a positive testing for HIV, which is the first you've heard of it. You ring up your Doctor and it turns out he emailed you about it, but it went directly into the spam folder because it contained a warning to ''never get your penis hard again''.

- You went into HMV to look for an HBO boxset, and found out that there is now a boxset of all the times you ever wet yourself as a child, with extras including a derisive audio commentary recorded by that girl you really fancy.

- You begin to cry outside the funeral of a loved one and your soul is scorched with an excoriating flame of utmost desolation - then someone walks past, points at you and says ''Fucking Emo.''