Badly thought out way to get the bad thoughts out.

Tuesday, 15 April 2008

Dear Corpsie: Blogspot's Uncle Agony

My Sick Boss Demands Sex!!!

Anonymous Writes: My boss keeps trying to get me to have sex with him. I’m worried he’ll find a reason to sack me unless I give in.

I am 19 and it’s taken me over a year to land myself a new job after being made redundant. I was over the moon that at last I could get back into work and start saving up so me and my boyfriend can move in together eventually.

I love my job, and my boss is really nice to everyone. He’s a good-looking guy and there are plenty of other girls working here who would be willing, but he’s singled me out for his attentions.

Every day he finds excuses to get me to go up to his office, or stay after the others have gone home so we can be on our own.

I love my boyfriend very much and I wouldn’t dream of being unfaithful. I’ve told my boss how I feel about my boyfriend and that we’ve been together for over two years. He just laughs and says I can do better.

It doesn’t really bother me that he chats me up. I can handle that, and I’ve no intention of giving into his wishes. I’ve made it clear I’m not going to have sex with him, now or in the future. At first he seemed OK but over the past week or so he seems to be getting a bit annoyed when I refuse him.

What’s really worrying me now is whether he’ll find a reason to sack me unless I do what he wants. He’s said as much in the past.

I really can’t afford to lose this job. There aren’t many around where I live, and it would be so unfair as I know I do my work really well.

Corpsey Says: Hmm, Katie, you really are in a pickle here, aren't you? A sort of office-shaped pickle floating in a jar of unkept promises, broken contracts and shattered hip-bones. I would say that your boss is being extremely inappopriate in making such advances on you and that you should really press charges of sexual harassment against him, as if he's doing it to you he will probably do it to any other girls with such pert, rasberry-red-nippled yams as yours yourself have had.

However, if you do that then the word will spread. You see, Katie Hargreaves (21 Mapleseed Drive, Stoke-On-Trent), 19, there is a network of lecherous managers operating around the entire country, indeed continent, who INcontinently spray piss gibbets of information to each other about which and such intern will or will not engage in horse and arse play at the drop of a contract.

They are everywhere- the Bank of England, Nationwide, Sheila's Wheels. Yes, even Sheila's Wheels. They sit, reclining in their leather-bound chairs (shaped byGerman mechanics to ape the contours of their last secretary's vaginal crevice), dribbling onto their erectilecliterine cigars as they fumble about in their Calvin Klein undercarriages, hoping to detect a single fibre of their groin which hasn't been stuck to itself by a big wad of sod blodge.

If you reject your boss now, every other boss in the continent who hears about it will put a single ice cube onto the tip of your permanent record to symbolise frigidity, a rather cunning and elegant symbol which will incrementally sully and saturate your credentials until they are nothing but a collection of wet bits.

Speaking of collections of wet bits, I think I have your answer, however! You are going to have to give your boss what he wants, unfortunately, but that doesn't mean that you have to give him EXACTLY what he wants.

To construct a false vagina, simply take one bowl full of strawberry jelly and stuff it full of honey roast ham from Marks and Spencers. Next find a cat and cut its tail off with a pair of hedge clippers. Take the tail and glue it onto the brim of the bowl so it surrounds the edge in a perfect (or FURpect!) circle. Mmm thats the stuff!

Now take an ordinary belt and replace the buckle with the hairy bowl of jellyham, and you're good to go. Don't worry, years of pointing out spread-legged roadkill to their drivers means that the average boss doesn't know the difference between a vagina and a badger's lung.

If all goes well, you'll be getting ahead in your career WITHOUT offending your boyfriend, boss, friends or family! Good luck, Katie Hargraves of Stoke on Trent, Burtons Bath-Salts Inc.!

Next Time! ''I'm sleeping with fella's nephew'' and ''I shouldn't have dug her up and ravished her hole-y bits''.

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