- You came round my parents at Xmas last year, do you remember Chad Michael Murray? Not only did you flirt constantly with my Grandfather, but during a family game of Pictionary, you drew a 2cm long line and revealed that the answer was my penis.
- Speaking of! I KNOW you took my penis out for a gourmet meal while I was visiting my cousin in Cornwall, AND that you kissed it goodnight on the doorstep and then groped it on its vein. You thought I wouldn't find out, didn't you, Chad Micheal Murray?! Unfortunately for you me and my penis are (or WERE) so close, we're practically SISTERS. It tells me everything, except when it needs washing.
- You treat me like crap. This reached intolerable levels when you strained your sphincter muscles and I slid from the inside of your colon into the toilet bowl.
- Sometimes when we're hanging out at your place making love in the afternoon, I get this feeling that you're thinking of another human cum bucket that lets you urinate in their mouth until they almost drown. I can see it in the limp half-assed way you hold the funnel. Where'd the fuckin love go, Chad Michael Murray?
- All the boys thinks you're dreamy, but the only time you're actually dreamy is when you start floating around the pulsating vegetable and bone tower while pissing blood into my eyes from your twenty foot long fingers as I try to run away but find myself unable to move. This only happened once or twice, too. Some ''Dream'' you are!
- You think you're like the sexiest guy in the world just cos everytime you text me my groin collapses in on itself and I have to be stitched from the calves up by a team of surgeons. Or maybe it's because Durex keep ringing up asking if they can manufacture a vibrator in the shape of your eyelashes? Or maybe it's something to do with being voted ''most fuckable 2008'' by Nun and Priest Gazette? Or that you've slept with 600,000 girls. But you really ain't all that.
- You don't even wrap your hand in bubble wrap before you beat me around the face for not cooking your steak right anymore. Talk about an inconsiderate jerk!
- You try and make me look stupid in front of your friends. Like, just last week when I came round and all your friends were there playing Xbox and drinking beer, and you asked me what the capital of Paris was. Do I look like a geology teacher?
- Last tuesday, when we were doing it in the back seat of your cat, you called out another girl's name. Then she opened the car door and got in. It was just sooo obvious.
- The only thing we have in common is that we both like you fisting me. That isn't enough to sustain a loving relationship, Chad Michael Murray. Seriously, have you not even heard of Scouting for Girls?!
- All my girlfriends say you deserve a lot better.
