Badly thought out way to get the bad thoughts out.

Friday, 26 December 2008


HEY GOOD-LOOKIN'! Why the long face? What's the matter, huh, darling? Gee, I was just sitting in my room watching your latest scene from Gagged and Battered Vol. 3 and I could have sworn you looked like you weren't enjoying doing it as much as I was enjoying watching you not enjoying doing it! Now that just won't do! Sure, we all have problems, but sometimes you've just got to suck it up and get on with it. The show must go on. I mean, look at Adam Sandler. He's a big star with the weight of the world on his shoulders, he's got the paparazzi down his neck every second of the day, and you don't see him crying and moping in the middle of The Waterboy 2! He's a professional! Not like you, you WORM!

Does all this ring a bell? Does it sound a bit like what the internal monologue in your head is constantly whispering to you after another long hard day on the set of It's Ball-Draining Men! 4? That is, when it's not telling you to drown yourself and save Arnold 'Whopper' Johnson the bother? Then you're probably a young porn starlet who is lacking in confidence. It can be really hard being in this line of work when you have no self-confidence, especially when you take a second to consider that you're job is essentially to prostitute your idealised physique and to become an empty prism for the brightly burning sado-sexual fantasies of thousands of sexually unsuccessful, misogynistic and borderline sociopathic fiends. Luckily, I'm here to help!

My name is Dr. Peter Lacebo and I have a long and involved history in coming to the aid of vulnerable young women who have absolutely no self-esteem. Now I'm here to lend you a helping hand! Here's a few free tips to get the ball rollin'!

  • Visualise your success. Sure, 'success' in this instance means not throwing up with hot tears of self-loathing stinging your eyes as the first putrid jet of gonhorrea-stained semen shoots down your scream-wracked throat, but can you imagine what failing is going to be like? Just picture yourself swallowing every last drop of that biker's juice and mouthing hollow obscenities at the camera afterwards as a single white tendril explores the concaves of your trembling jaw - just like Michael Jordan does!
  • If you're kneeling in front of an audience and feeling a little nervous, here's a tip I picked up from an episode of The Simpsons! Simply picture the audience in their underwear! In fact, given the circumstances, try and picture them in underwear, trousers, a shirt, a thick jumper, a long overcoat and at a distance of 5000 miles, under the ground, dead. Doing this will enable you to tackle the trickiest of speeches, from summing up the financial year of your company to (as in your case) telling all ten of them to come over here right now and fuck it til your stomach's fatter than Santa Clause's.
  • Think of somebody you really admire being taken from two ways by gigantic moist and veiny cocks, and think about how they would react to the situation. Come on, Jainie! Would Hillary Clinton really let down the team by refusing to almost tear her anus in two for the delectation of a million shadowy perverts frothily masturbating in their darkened rooms?Not on your nelly!
  • Always smile! Smiling has been scientifically proved to release 'happy' chemicals in your brain. So if you smile throughout the torrid near-rape that you're about to go through, even when you are pirouetting on the fat greasy fingers of a tattooed sex-offender, it will all seem like a party in your body to which half of California's ex-convicts are invited! Smiling will also thus cut down your expenses, as you won't have to buy as much cocaine and heroin in order to not feel suicidally depressed, and will actually improve your standing in the porn industry. Why? Because if you're happy (or fleetingly appear to be), the customer is happy! (NB: This doesn't apply if you are making a porno in which the customer will only be happy if you appear to be writhing around in agony on the very precipice of death :-) )
  • Set Up Reachable Goals For Yourself. Write a list of goals for yourself such as :''Don't start cursing God until at least 20 minutes into the anal section'', ''Only take two valiums before arriving on set'' and ''Close your eyes before its too late'', and stick it up on your refrigerator!
  • Break up large and daunting tasks into smaller, achievable steps. Don't think of it as a ten inch long dildo – it's a four part 2.5 inch dildo! And that isn't a clenched fist – it's four fingers, a thumb and a huge hunk of meat, bone and gristle!
  • Remember, a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet! And five-hundred viagra-hardened, coke-frozen strangers? Well, they're just a desperately needed pay-cheque you haven't got yet!
  • Don't Always Place Yourself In Competition With Others. This is a foolish and futile thing to do, because there's always someone out there who will have gone down on more 15 inch cocks than you have. Or actually, considering how lacking in self-esteem you are, there's always someone out there who will have gone down on less 15 inch cocks than you have. So chin up. Or should that be 'down'? Hahaha! :-)
FIND ANY OF THESE USEFUL? THINK YOU WOULD LIKE TO STOP LIVING IN THE SHADOW OF YOUR CRIPPLING SELF-KNOWLEDGE? Well, you can delude yourself further simply by sending me $55.99 today, so that you can receive my book ''SWALLOW YOUR DREAMS!'', which will teach you how to stop caring about anything that happens to you, given that you are a biological fluke squirming for a universal millisecond atop a random configuration of rock and water! Because remember – once you ''SWALLOW YOUR DREAMS'', just as the uncaring and indifferent universe will, you can swallow ANYTHING!