Berkane Sol 8- Glazed/Never Mine

Right, you should already own Reminiscing/Island Noise etc. by Geiom and will know that the guy's a genius and his label is the tits. The next release on Berkane Sol will feature two tunes by upcoming badmen Brackles and Shortstuff, both of whom have seen what my skull looks like at 7 in the morning. The tunes are big, they must be purchased.

And while we're here, heres a Garage Mix by Brackles which is utterly utterly alotterly (out to CFour on the up). Tracklist as follows:

Anthill Mob - Burning
Victor Romeo - Inside You (Steve Gurley Mix)
M Dubs - Over Here (Sugar Shack Break Beat Funk)
Groove Chronicles - Masterplan
DND - Got myself together
El-B - Feelings Inside
Bump n Flex - Long time coming
Y-Tribe - Baby
Tubby T and Sticky - Tales from the hood
Pay As You Go - Know We
Wookie - Down on Me
M Dubs - Bump and Grind
Elephant Man - Log On (Horsepower RMX)
Tuff Jam and Xavier - Tumbling Down
Robbie Craig - Lessons in Love (Steve Gurley Mix)
El-B - Serious
The Streets - Has it come to this

Music What You Should Like Because I Does

MAURIZIO- M4

Top quality minimalish dubbish techno here. This sort of tune makes me want to graduate from standing in a dark corner at a dubstep night scowling to dancing shirtless on a podium on the Mediterranean coast with the Ministry of Sound logo tattooed into my forehead.

Yeah, I know.

This is the latest Blackdown und Dusk show off Rinse FM, haven't listened to it myself actually (give me five minutes) but there's plenty of Joker tunes on there so it must be gravy.

Blackdown on Rinse June 08

Nu Birth "Anytime (Groove Chronicles remix)" (Locked On)
Brandy "Never Say Never (El-B remix)" (white)
Bird "Game (MJ Cole remix)" (white)
The Ends "R U Really From the Ends" (white)
Roll Deep Entourage "Bounce" (Roll Deep Recordings)

Joker "Dead End" (unreleased)
Jerzey "Allstar Fade" (unreleased)
Zomby "Rumours and Revolutions" (unreleased)
Starkey "Gutter Music" (unreleased)
Sway and Lady $tush "F- Ur X" (from The Dotted Line mixtape)
Geeneus ft Wiley, Riko and Breeze "Knife & Gun" (unreleased)
Brags "Know About Me" (unreleased)

Joker "Gully Brook Park pt 2" (unreleased)
Y.Dot "I'm Not One of Them" (unreleased)
Ghetto and Rudekid "Sing For Me" (unreleased)
Dips "Noodles" (unreleased)
Don Goliath ft N. Dot E "To the Top" (unreleased)
Zomby "Diamonds & Pearls" (unreleased)
2000F & JKamata "You Don't Know What Love Is" (unreleased)
Guido "Time" (unreleased)

2nd II None "Waterfalls (Peveralist remix)" (unreleased)
D1 "Oingy Boingy" (unreleased)
Skream "1 For the Heads Who Remember" (unreleased)
Grievous Angel "What We Had (garage mix)" (unreleased)
Blackdown "Lata VIP" (unreleased Keysound Recordings)
Dusk "Focus" (Keysound Recordings)
Blackdown ft Durrty Goodz "Concrete Streets" (unreleased Keysound Recordings)
Martyn "Broken (Blackdown remix)" (unreleased)
Joker "Holly Brook Park (Forsaken remix) (unreleased)
Zomby "Duality" (unreleased)




Yes I know, we all think Jazz is for Ken Clark and Pete Rock to take 5 seconds of the best bits from, but try and banish images of shirtless hunks reaming repressed house wives late night on Channel 5 for a second (I used to videotape those films) and this is great. On their instruments, Miles Davis looks a bit like a frog with constipation and Coltrane looks like he's working out long division in his head.

Instra:mental, eh? Decent DNB, eh? He features on D-Bridge's new album, which is fucking great also.



Wu Tang Live in 93 puts everything into perspective, though, doesn't it? ''Too much fucking perspective''.



B.I.G. GLES

Oh, and in case you didn't know the lineup for DMZ, here it is:

Be there or be forced to tongue down your mother in a dare.

''SATURDAY 5th july

DIGITAL MYSTIKZ VS LOEFAH
SILKIE VS QUEST
DISTANCE
D1
ONEMAN
APPLEBLIM
BENNY ILL

MCS: SGT POKES CRAZY D

10 till 6
mass, brixton

to become a member email your details to: INFO@DMZUK.COM''

I Was An 8 Year Old Wasteman

I was sorting through old toys and the like today (MASK toys were fucking great) and found my old Funfax. A Funfax, if you don't remember, is a ring binder in which you stick books you buy about things like Practical Jokes and Ghosts and the collapse of the Berlin wall.

There is a ''Notes'' section in it at the front, which is probably intended for normal children to write things about what they've learned from reading Funfax books in. This, however, is what I wrote in it at the age of 8.

Page 1: ''I think Macauly Culkin is a good actor next I think arnold schazenegger is only picked because hes musclly americans have loads of famous and Id like to go to californier james bond is good I think people should have instructors for karate SCUM''

First things first, 8 year old self- Macauy Culkin is NOT a good actor. He used to be good at ''portraying'' a smug little shit deserving of divine sky-excoriation. Now he's dead. Or should be. I can't remember. Arnie, meanwhile, has a lot more going for him than muscles- his complete inability to act, for example. Ironically enough old Iron Cheek Muscles is now governor of californier.

I haven't got any idea what the last bit means. The karate thing, though- apparently at the age of 8 I was so uncomfortable with being a pussy that I secretly yearned to be trained to miraculously not be one, probably by a sort of hybrid of Father Christmas and Shredder from TMNTurtles. Sort of like now, at the age of 23, I'm so uncomfortable with being a pussy that I secretly yearn to get given the magical power of turning water into rohypnol.

Page 2: ''I think street fighter II is the best super nes game chinese have good video games lenny henry is good I mean the best comedian in the world I think when he went on blue peter he helped John make a pizza at the end he smashed it and said that it looks a bit like (illegible) now and then said the truth is John's the worst chef in the world I'v seen better cooks fired from motorway hotels!''

You're almost right about Street Figher 2 (Turbo, you little turd) but you're confusing the Chinese with the Japanese, you fucking racist bedwetter. Lenny Henry, the best comedian in the world? Perhaps if living your life and career out as some sort of excercise in dramatic irony counts as a comedic act. I want to go back in time and slap my 8 year old self around the skull with a ''Curb Your Enthusiasm'' DVD boxset.

I have to admit I'd forgotten about that hilarious moment on Blue Peter when Lenny slewed Leslie for making a shit pizza. Though in retrospect, wouldn't it have been better for Lenny to have called John out on his predeliction for sexual assault?

Page 3: ''I would like to live in a circus with my family and have a dog called Knip a tiger called Felix and a cute monkey called patch we would be triksters and make loads of money''

Frankly, I'm flabbergasted. How did I forget my real calling in life was always to be an animal torturing carnie cunt with a fucking dog called ''Knip'' and a pet fucking tiger? Presumably one of my family's ''triks'' would involve either hedge fund speculation or burglary, seeing as that's about the only way a circus would make money in this day and age, when iPods are only ten quid and there's trannies dancing for Piers Morgan on the telly.

Page 4: ''Macauly culkin is a very good actor in home alone hes kevin he was good (NOT!) (illegible) and circuses are my hobies I am a writer at school I write like mad and my favourite actors macauly culkin my favouioret aniamal is a dog then shark then tiger then monkeys and my favouiret comedians Lenny Henry''

Oh my christ. Did I fancy Macauly Culkin or something? Let's face it there isn't any other explanation. I was sucked in by his big blue eyes and petulant parent-dispatching dick-sucking lips, wasn't I? I'm probably repressing memories right now of holding a copy of ''The Good Son'' against my naked half-budded genitals. Is this why I sometimes hold my face in my hands sometimes when I'm orgasming and scream as if I've been left at home at Christmas?

This is quite therapeutic, really. In other ways too- sure, I might think of myself as something of a loser nowadays, given that my main activities are a) masturbating and b) drawing attention to my genitals on the internet, but at least my main hobby is no longer 'circuses'. I think if it still was by this age, it would probably involve me furtively applying grease paint to my nipples and walking along tightropes into lonely spinsters' bedroom windows at midnight.

Phew.

Page 5: ''I would like to go to taekwondo or karate or judo wheres wally ultimate fun book is one of my favourite books house os hell is an adventure book it is really scary Anubis is the god of death he took your hearts out with a feather a heart heavy with sin was eaten by a crocodile''

This is like reading the last section of ''Ulysses'', isn't it? Except instead of the exquisitely artistically rendered thoughts of a cuckold wife resurrecting mentally her long cooling ardour for her husband as representative of the boundless fertility of life and love, it's a tedious litany of an 8 year old sociopathic twit's obsessions.

Yes Anubis is an Egyptian god of death. I'm 8 years old, though, shouldn't I be writing about football or something? This is the sort of thing Kevin Spacey wrote in ''Seven''- ''Anubis is the god of death, he is coming for that girl who laughed at me during kiss chase and made me wet myself (again).''

Page 6: ''things to remember > crocodiles monkeys bats tigers and zebras raleigh home alone two martial arts book radio station tape keyboard with (illegible) book i had a radio station martial art book streetfighter wrestling martial art book oh get lost I cross raleighed biked excellent dude homework bogus hang lose''

This is patently a torrent of banal shit. I'm beginning to see the wayward lines along which my psyche developed now- obsessed with animals, unarmed combat, broadcast journalism and ''Home Alone 2''? I never knew me and Fred West shared so much in common.

Also, I wrote ''Martial Arts Book'' three times to remind myself of what? That it existed? That I wanted it? The irony being that I probably thought that I'd miraculously become my Primay School's head bully by reading a BOOK about kung fu. Yes- to this day, whenever I find myself in a brawl at the local pub, I'm able to dazzle and disperse my enemies with a lethal quotation concerning the health risks of kicking too high.

Page 7: ''I love mum dad my sister my cat my family and god. iguarnodon i loved you with all your shiny scales your massive jaw impressive claws get lost get looose you stink I (illegible) you''

Okay, now I'm actually scared. I might book myself into Broadmoor tonight. The loving the family stuff is alright (but why write it down?). Even the loving God stuff- tolerable (hey I was young, I probably wanted to toss off the Easter Bunny too at that age). But being clearly sexually aroused by reptiles?

Did I want to pop my testicles into its ''massive jaw''? ''Impressive'' claws?! That's what I'd describe them as if I was in a snake house with paranoid schizophrenia trying to buy an alligator a glass of white wine! Then, most disturbingly of all, I switch from praising the iguanadon to railing against it psychopathically. This is romantic love, isn't it? You know, the feeling when you want to fuck someone to death but would happily substitute ''fucking'' for ''strangling'' if they turned you down?

No man or boy should feel that for an IGUANADON.

There's more, too, but I need to save it all for a practicing Freudian. As far as I can tell I was a creepy little arsehole at the age of 8 and I'm a creepy arsehole now and there must be a connection betwix't them two points.

Tomorrow I might post up extracts from a hilarious 25 page screenplay I wrote when I was about 15 which features a prostitute with a heart of gold getting hit in the spine with a pistol by her husband.

I'm worried that I'm going to find writings from every age I've ever been and discover that I have indeed been as crazy as a shithouse rat my entire life.

NEVER GO BACK.

Get Tae Fuck!

^ This is Rustie, straight outta Glasgae. Insert joke about battered mars bar being used to plug knife wound > HERE <. As far as I can tell, he's mates with Hudson Mohawk, who's just been signed to Warp or some such thing.

I bought his Jagz The Smack EP ages ago because of the title track, which sounds a bit like Skream being played through a discarded packet of Hula Hoops that is slowly unclenching itself, but I wasn't really listening to the rest of it. Now I realise the error of my ways- ''Response'', in particular, is the ish. The tune Just 4 Kicks is on THIS MIX that I posted on here a while ago, and that is also the ish.

I saw him DJing in Nottingham a while back too and although the system was pants, he wasn't. He played a version of the below tune by Luda



And some other good ish revolving lyrically around the theme of sticking one in her ass.

Rustie = the ish. And Hud Mo. You already knew it, but I wanted to see how sophisticated I can make link posting look.

Also, here's some mixes I've been listening to today...

RUSTIE AND HUD MO ''DRUNK AT 4AM'' MIX from THIS blog.

And from THIS blog... RUSTIE GUTTERISH MIX and LUCKY NUMBERS NY SKIFFLE MIX (HUD MO)

Also, I'll be going HERE to download the Mary Anne Hobbes show with live mix by Rustie. You should follow me, off cliffs if necessary.

And here's Blackdown's Piece on ''Wonky'' music (such as Rustles), in case you wanted something well informed and intelligent on the subject.

The Other Day I Was Lean Up Watching America's Got Talent And

^ THIS = PROOF THAT GOD EXISTS ^

Some Jungle

More youtube links, for my own use as much as the use of maggots like my readership (no offence, Mum).



ORIGIN UNKNOWN- TRULY ONE



STUDIO PRESSURE (PHOTEK)- THE PHYSICAL



SOURCE DIRECT- THE CRANE



SPLASH- BABYLON

Opinions Are Like Arseholes

I like eating food out of them.

NOW- Once again drawing attention to this mix by J Rolla, it really is T for tremendous.

''Went off on a bit of a tangent with this one, so I'm not sure how well it will go down on here.

Aswell as dubstep there's a couple of minimal dub house tunes from Shackleton, couple of garagey/breaky bits and even some IDM. Basically goes on a bit of a deep one. Guarenteed something everyone will like in there!

I'm getting tired of the high volume of generic sounding shit being churned out at the moment so I think that's what inspired this mix. Give it a go!''

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=E1Q9221R
(type the 3 letter code into the box & wait 45 seconds for the link)

[74 mins, 68 meg]

01: benge - bambie
02: fat freddy's drop - cay's crays (digital mystikz version)
03: shackleton - blood on my hands (ricardo villalobos mix part 2)
04: pole steingarten - achterbahn (shackleton remix)
05: hawerchuk - camel toe
06: simian mobile disco - hustler (shackleton remix)
07: conquest - forever
08: peverelist - roll with the punches
09: martin buttrich - well done (headhunter remix)
10: toastyboy - skinny
11: warlock - copy of a copy
12: elemental - sparkle
13: burial - south london boroughs
14: pinch - airlock
15: martyn - twenty four
16: ital tek - shallow sun
17: deep alpha - all think (kode 9 alphadub)
18: boxcutter - brood
19: loefah - it's yours
20: vessel - sticker

PEPP... ER

For those 2 or 3 poor sods on the internet who haven't seen this yet...



I dunno if it would be better if this was serious or if it was a joke. I'm siding with serious.

LISTEN AGAIN

MYRON- WE CAN GET DOWN (GROOVE CHRONICLES RMX)

A Rap Video For My Time

A fish eye lens trained on a Ferrari F50 pulling up to a huge mansion in the Hollywood hills. I step out- of the back seat. My Dad is driving the Ferrari and tells me ''not to do any drugs'' before driving off and leaving me to stand outside the mansion for 25 minutes, pacing back and forth and wringing my hands.

I'm throwing money in the air all around me and it flutters down into the outstretched palms of drugs dealers and bar staff, who then forcefeed me shite pills and Stella Artois until I'm sick all over myself and start crying.

There's loads of scantily clad women there, so I stand in the corner of the kitchen in my mink coat looking for bubbles in my glass of vodka and rubbing my nose with the back of my finger repeatedly. One of them walks up to me to ask me where the toilet is and I say: 'Mm-mm-nuh' and then walk hastily out of the kitchen and head straight for the upstairs toilet, where I spend the next six hours. Meanwhile the scantily clad women (those of them who aren't being sick in the downstairs toilet/their own hair) are all fucking every other male guest in a big jacuzzi which quickly overflows as it becomes only 50% water.

The last scene takes place on a yacht, where 80,000 strippers are cavorting about in the sun playing with beachballs. I'm walking on deck with a big cane and some Ray Ban sunglasses on, exposing my beautifully tanned chest. Then, in a comic climax to proceedings my butler (played by Wesley Snipes) brings me a telephone call from the Doctor telling me I have skin cancer. I turn around to find my butler tossing off into the bottle of suntan lotion. I scream.

FIN.

SAD is very real

FUCK THE WINTER...



J DILLA- DIME PIECE RMX



ATCQ- FIND A WAY

... AND R.I.P. DILLA.



SNOOP- DOGGY DOGG WORLD

We all know it's going to rain later on this week and never stop ever again though so how about some anger in your life? Check THIS SET for some fucking great grime that will make you feel better about walking around Ipswich in the drizzle just KNOWING that you'll get a Whopper again.

NB: That mix is from www.grimetapes.com where you can get fucking loads of grime sets, all of which are probably the zealness. Big up slackk off Dissensus for that and whoever else is involved.

Unlucky In Love

It being Valentine's Day today and all, I thought I'd do a 'High Fidelity' style trawl through the failed relationships of my life, hopefully allowing me to see where I've been going wrong all these one year with the opposite race.

1. SANDRA: Corrective laser surgery. I tried to undo the damage by shining a laser pen in her eyes outside the clinic but she unfortunately didn't go partially sighted again.

2. KATIE: Apparently only liked being slapped around the face by certain parts of my body, at certain times.

3. CLARISSA: Became suspicious of me when I started seeing a prostitute on the side. It wasn't my fault really though- I thought that attic was soundproof.

4. GLORIA: I discovered she was a transexual three months into our relationship. Turns out she had a really small dick, so I dumper her and moved on to a transexual with a clitoris like a car jack.

5. MICHELLE: Was going great until she released a song called ''Sweetness'' which made direct and hurtful references to her diabetes related dependency upon chewing my testicles.

6. KIRSTY: Met her at a night class teaching portrait painting. We hit it off well and were going steady, and I seemed to feel younger and look better in her company. But she dumped me after she discovered the painting of me in the basement which showed me getting progressively deeper and deeper into a swimming pool full of crack whores.

7. I THINK SHE WAS CALLED WENDY OR SOMETHING: Fucking HELL, that whistle hurt my ears. I ran and ran.

8. LUCILLE: I managed to get to third base with her before the costume fell apart and she realised I wasn't a sheep dog.

9. GRACE: Total control freak. Was trying to change me into something I'm not. Eventually got tired of scooping my love out of her pillowcase and sent me packing.

10. ASHLEY: An unfortunate collision of fetishes meant that every time I gave her a foot massage the smell of my own anus caused me to vomit. Luckily I'm now with a ''girl'' who likes that sort of thing.

Who You Calling Titch?

This riddim is so raw it makes me want to go and draw a willy on a bus shelter.

Sick Hip-Hop Mix

Go to this blog > http://kalli.breakbeat.is/music/music.html

For this mix

1. Flying Lotus – Tea Leaf Dancers (Warp)
2. FLYamSAM - The Offbeat (Ghostly Swim)
3. Lukid – Ski Fly (Werk)
4. Dabrye, Jay Dee & Phat Kat – Game Over (Ghostly International)
5. Flying Lotus – 1983 (Plug Research)
6. Rustie – Just 4 Kicks (Instrumental) (Lucky Me)
7. Hudson Mohawke – Ooops (Lucky Me / Wireblock)
8. Cool Kids – Black Mags (Chocolate Industries)
9. Danny Breaks – The Octopus (Intergalactic Starfighters) (Alphabet Zoo)
10. DJ Vadim featuring Moshun Man – Terrorist (Ninja Tune)
11. IntroBeats – Á Vökunni Instrumental (CD-R)
12. Harmonic 313 – Problem 3 (Warp)
13. Bullion – Get Familiar (One Handed)
14. Prefuse 73 – I´ve Got No Time for Rearviews (Warp)
15. Anti-Pop Consortium – Silver Heat (Warp)
16. Madlib – Chop Style (Suey Blast) (Stones Throw)
17. J Dilla – Light Works (Stones Throw)
18. Samiyam – Donuts with Sprinkles (Fat City)
19. Blackalicious – Make You Feel that Way (MCA)