It being Valentine's Day today and all, I thought I'd do a 'High Fidelity' style trawl through the failed relationships of my life, hopefully allowing me to see where I've been going wrong all these one year with the opposite race.
1. SANDRA: Corrective laser surgery. I tried to undo the damage by shining a laser pen in her eyes outside the clinic but she unfortunately didn't go partially sighted again.
2. KATIE: Apparently only liked being slapped around the face by certain parts of my body, at certain times.
3. CLARISSA: Became suspicious of me when I started seeing a prostitute on the side. It wasn't my fault really though- I thought that attic was soundproof.
4. GLORIA: I discovered she was a transexual three months into our relationship. Turns out she had a really small dick, so I dumper her and moved on to a transexual with a clitoris like a car jack.
5. MICHELLE: Was going great until she released a song called ''Sweetness'' which made direct and hurtful references to her diabetes related dependency upon chewing my testicles.
6. KIRSTY: Met her at a night class teaching portrait painting. We hit it off well and were going steady, and I seemed to feel younger and look better in her company. But she dumped me after she discovered the painting of me in the basement which showed me getting progressively deeper and deeper into a swimming pool full of crack whores.
7. I THINK SHE WAS CALLED WENDY OR SOMETHING: Fucking HELL, that whistle hurt my ears. I ran and ran.
8. LUCILLE: I managed to get to third base with her before the costume fell apart and she realised I wasn't a sheep dog.
9. GRACE: Total control freak. Was trying to change me into something I'm not. Eventually got tired of scooping my love out of her pillowcase and sent me packing.
10. ASHLEY: An unfortunate collision of fetishes meant that every time I gave her a foot massage the smell of my own anus caused me to vomit. Luckily I'm now with a ''girl'' who likes that sort of thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment