1. Wearing a hawaian shirt will no longer be a shameful ordeal, except if you are being buggered violently at the time with an apple in your mouth.
2. Those wishing to stare at lithe and hairless legs in the midday sun will no longer be forced to lie on their bellies on the perimeter fence of the playground with a bin bag over their heads and a telescope.
3. Everybody will be wearing sunglasses, and the blind will no longer be ostracised figures of fun and objects of cruel ridicule, as I will be unable to discern them by sight alone.
4. As my mother used to say to me as a young scamp: ''The more hours in the day there are, the less hours in bed at night thinking about death there are!''
5. Although sand-castle related murders will rise over the summer months, school shootings will be down 100%.
