There are some things, my friends, that can be counted on to occur with the regularity of the ticking of the Greenwich clock – the delivery of a pint of skimmed outside my cottage every morning, the steady erosion of our civil liberties by a bunch of Islamist fanatics who should be locked up and detonated, and another Premiership title for those boys in United Red!
But one thing seems to occur with even more regularity than the ticking of the Greenwich clock. No sooner has the little hand covered half the distance of a second before another unhinged Lanky Yanky Goth sprays up his classroom with an UZI before the donut-guzzling boys in blue can wipe the jelly off their fingers and get on with filling him full of brass.
In the case of last weeks tragic BLOODBATH in Germany, the tragedy was further compounded by the fact that the Lanky Yanky Goth was in this particular case a Speccy Kraut who should have known better.
Now, I now what you’re saying, dear readers! "Leave it out, Stu! Why, it was only about 50 years ago that those crazy sausage-botherers were trying to bomb us to bits in order to build a big bank on top of our green and pleasant, not to mention being intent on serving up Half-sack Hitler a big POLISH PEOPLE PIE for his diabolical din dins– don’t you remember the FUHRORE around it?"
Well, of course I do! But times have changed. We have to let bygones be bygones. I say the Krauts are alright. After all, what other country lets you drive a steady Tonne PLUS down their main motorway without calling out the rozzers on you?
The Germans are more laid-back than the whore-mongering Dutch nowadays, as any Lederhosen clad, cheery-faced beer-swilling Hun will happily tell you (in pretty good English, too!). And a bloody good thing too, in this writer’s humble opinion!
Which fact makes last weeks GUN JAMBOREE in a German super-Schule particularly confusing and tragic. It seems that the once ruthlessly efficient Deutsch have succumbed a little too much to the Bacchanalian uproar of their nearest neighbours on the continent, and are beginning to let things go up the shoot and out of the hand!
On first glance, KAISER SKILLEDAIM Tim Kretschmer doesn’t strike you as being a potential KILLJOY. He wears glasses and a buttoned up shirt. This neat young man looks a thousand miles away from the HOOD AND SNEAKERS clad yobbos that we are familiar with over here, and his skin is as white as snow!
This cherubic fawn was a keen table-tennis player, and had a rich and industrious Vater. Surely, you must be thinking, this respectable old cove had the good manners, hardened Protestant work ethic and intellectual prowess that would have marked him out for a career in one of his Reich’s Bankplatzes? Isn’t this the face of Germany’s 21st Century UBERFOLK?
But Ah, my Friends! Appearances can be deceptive (except in the case of Hoodies and Islamists, who don’t have the decency to disguise themselves, of course!), and in this case OLD UNCLE FRITZ was pulling a fast one the likes of which hasn’t been seen since ORIBBLE ITLER told Lord Churchill he was "just looking after" the REINLAND for "ein friend"!
Kretschmer was a noodle-head! A dunderwit, a dumbkopf, ein DOLT! This was a German who couldn’t count how many sausages are in a string! Not only did he leave school at the age of 17, when most Germans should be doing PHDs in Astrochemical Engineering and Physics, but several other facts have since come to light which put the KOSH on BOSH educational standards!
- Kretschmer promised on an internet chat-room that he would murder "at least 10" of his former classmates. In the event of it, the poor pea-brain actually copper-clobbered only NINE of them.
In a suicidal weepy note Kretschmer gave to his parents before the PLAYGROUND-PUTSCH, he wrote: "I am alone and disloved in a cruel wurld" (spelling mistakes translated as best as can be).
- Police who searched the crime-scene in the AFTERBLOODBATHAFTERMATH discovered that several of the potential victims of Kretschmer’s BLUT-LOOST had not done their homework.
Now, I’m not saying that Kretschmer’s school-teachers are entirely to blame for what happened. Other factors – such as violent video games which taught Kretschmer how a gun is operated by pressing the trigger down to make death come out of it – are certainly worth considering (and then discarding!).
But should all of this really be happening in a German school, and in a middle class area?
I mean, look at how organised this lot are! You wouldn't find any of these Jerries telling their teacher ''MEIN DOG ETZEN IT!''
Could it not be time to dust off that IRON FIST, MEIN KOMRADES? I humbly suggest the construction of a multitude of bullet-proof BERLIN WALLS around the uncommonly stupid and/or brown pupils as a first measure of protection, followed by the implementation of a strong political leader who can tackle both the threat of over-relaxation and economic turmoil.
Furthermore, after Police revealed this week that Kretschmer fired over 40 shots without hitting a single person during the rampage, I suggest that all intelligent and industrious pupils attending German schools are given compulsory light arms training and instruction in the correct wiring of explosives.
You know it makes sentzen.