Just a quick announcement for all my millions of devoted fans and fantasists - on Sunday the 22nd of November, those Americans and satellite dish owners amongst you lot can tune in at 9.00am EST to HBO for my inaugural HBO hour, '(untitled)'. The show will announce me on the world stage as the new David Copperfield, and the post-modern David Blaine. The following unbelievable illusions/actions will be performed to the amazement and hoped-for sexual arousal of a captive audience of disgruntled house-wives and the terminally stoned.
SAWING A WOMAN IN ONE - In which I will place my beautiful assistant, Kerry Katona, in a pine box and rub a hand-saw flatly against every side of said box while smoke is pumped out of nozzles into the audience members eyes. When the smoke clears, I will release Kerry from the box and she will emerge (hopefully) in one biologically functioning piece. To prove that this is not a mere illusion, she will - in front of your incredulous face-balls - eat an entire apple, stamp her feet for twenty seconds and will read and fail to understand one word of a page of Jacques Derrida's 'Writing and Difference'.
PULLING A HAT OUT OF A RABBIT - In which I will take a dead and suspiciously porcine rabbit from an Asda bag full of leaves, place it on a table, scatter a handful of glitter over it, henceafter stick a big knife in the pile and jerk it around until it starts cutting the table in two, and finally will pull a REAL Nike air baseball cap from its guts. This, though we know that a rabbit would never eat an entire cap! To prove that the hat is real, my beautiful assistant, Kerry Katona, will put it on her head and nod thirty two times.
THE BIRD-LIKE FLIGHT OF MAN FROM STAGE TO FLOOR - In which I channel the spirit of the Eagle by french-kissing a falcon while staring into its eyes, before running straight towards the edge of the stage and leaping several feet INTO THE AIR! Yes, you will not believe your brains as you witness the great magician appear to float through thin air without being connected by any of his body parts to the floor! To prove that I have not got any wires attached to my back, my beautiful assistant Kerry Katona will strip me naked before the trick and slice off three inches of my back, buttocks, thighs and calf muscles with the magical Cheese Grater of Papua New Guinea.
THE MAGICAL BALL-VANISHING-DOWN-THROAT ACT- I will start this act by revealing a washing-basket with 600 red-felt balls in it, and then will proceed to amaze and astound by making every one of the 600 balls disappear (temporarily). Simply by waving each ball in front of my mouth, I will be able to dematerialise each one for up to three seconds before the cosmic forces begin wrathfully farting up my nose, causing me to be violently sick 600 times. To prove that the vomit is real my beautiful assistant Kerry Katona will Klinsmann dive into it and start paddling around in it like an amused child in candy floss.
Finally...
I WILL MAKE THE AUDIENCE'S INTEREST DISAPPEAR INTO THIN AIR! Simply by spending the last thirty five minutes of the special sitting with an implacable expression of utter banality plastered across my face, occasionally picking my nose and examining the snot without joy or derision. With ten minutes to go, I will cough twice, deceiving those few remaining viewers into believing that I am about to vomit. However, I will not vomit, but will simply cover my mouth with my eyes slightly widened, before letting my hand drop back to my lap. The camera will, at this point, zoom in on my almost-twiddling thumbs, and will began to transmit this action at approximately 1 frame per hour.
